Thursday, March 15, 2012

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 11: "Crisis on Infinite Hooks"

This is a collection of posts from an experimental Twitter account, "InCaseOfHooks," which tell a long story over the course of hundreds of tweets. Stay up to date by following it at, or read the previous entry here.

  • If waffles are eaten, spend yet another night following a trail of ashes.
  • If ashes lead to another burned out building, this might be the work of Fire-For-Hands Man again.
  • If all the glass windows of the building are shattered, he's not taking any chances this time.
  • In case of no chances being taken, let Hooks-For-Hands Boy go in first.
  • If crying is heard softly in the distance, maybe things aren't what they seem.

  • If sound of crying leads to Fire-For-Hands Man sobbing in the corner of the building, ask him what's wrong.
  • If he answers that he's afraid of being replaced by a new actor in the reboot, tell him you know how he feels.
  • If he destroyed Hooks-For-Hands Boy's house in the hopes of stopping the reboot from happening, explain that it's too late.
  • If Hooks-For-Hands Boy didn't live in the same place that you did, ask Fire-For-Hands Man how he knew where the reboot house was.
  • If he says that he read about it in The Book, ask him what book he's talking about.

  • If he answers that he's talking about the novelization of the reboot, wonder how that's possible before the reboot has even happened.
  • If the novelization has been written already so that its release can coincide with the release of the reboot, it must have leaked early.
  • If the novelization leaked early, it can probably help you out, so ask Fire-For-Hands Man if you can borrow his copy.
  • If Fire-For-Hands Man tells you that his copy is all charred and illegible, it's probably because he read it while his hands were on fire.
  • If his copy is all burned up, maybe the local bookstore has some in stock.

  • If the local bookstore went out of business because people aren't buying physical books anymore, isn't that pretty sad?
  • In case of depressing bookstore closing, maybe some of the remaining books are in the dumpster behind the building.
  • If you dig through the dumpster and accidentally stab something with your hook-hands, apparently someone lives in there.
  • If the dumpster person stabs you back, it looks like you've met another hook-handed hobo.
  • If there's yet another hook-handed hobo, let him climb out of the dumpster so you can talk to him.

  • If he needs help getting out of the dumpster, it's because he's really old.
  • If this hook-handed hobo looks to be about 80 years old, you may have found the ORIGINAL original Hooks-For-Hands Man.
  • If you found the ORIGINAL original Hooks-For-Hands Man, ask him what he's doing in a dumpster beyond an abandoned bookstore.
  • If he says that he's been following along with the continuing adventures of each new Hooks-For-Hands Man, find out how long he's been a fan.
  • If he reminisces about "Pow!" and "Zing!" balloons appearing whenever he hit someone, he must have been Hooks-For-Hands Man in the late 60s.

  • If his house burned down in the 90's, his story must have been rebooted after he became too old and uncool.
  • If that other hook-handed hobo took over as Hooks-For-Hands Man in the 90s, he was probably extreme and radical and used the letter Z a lot.
  • If "Z" was soon replaced by "i" as the coolest letter, it's surprising that the second Hooks-For-Hands Man wasn't replaced until 2010.
  • If you became the third Hooks-For-Hands Man in 2010, be ashamed that you barely lasted a year before being rebooted in 2011.
  • If Hooks-For-Hands Boy's house burned down already, he may be rebooted less than a month after taking on the mantle.

  • If each Hooks-For-Hands Man has been lasting for shorter and shorter time periods, it seems like the reboots are accelerating.
  • If the reboots are accelerating, eventually it will reach a point where everyone on the planet becomes a hook-handed person simultaneously.
  • If there's an eventual reboot singularity, that explains why everyone in the future had hooks for hands when you time-traveled into the future last year.
  • In case of plot hole being filled, pretend that you planned this all along instead of just coming up with it now.
  • In case of eventual reboot singularity, you need to figure out how to stop the reboots from occurring.

Click here to read the next entry.

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