Friday, August 3, 2012

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 15: "Apocalypse Hooks"

This is a collection of posts from an experimental Twitter account, "InCaseOfHooks," which tell a long story over the course of hundreds of tweets. Stay up to date by following it at, or read the previous entry here.

  • In case of arrival, the Butler Squadron might be holding your elderly aunts hostage.
  • In case of stand-off, take three nursing home orderlies hostage in retaliation (since they're kind of like butlers for old people).
  • If the elderly aunts are getting tired and lots of old people are complaining to the orderlies, do a hostage exchange with the Butler Squadron.

  • If your elderly aunts are safe, ask them if 1990s Hooks-For-Hands Man's elderly aunt lives there too (make sure to ask loudly).
  • If they say that 1990s Elderly Aunt recently got transferred to a much nicer nursing home, wonder how that recently homeless superhero suddenly got money.
  • If 1990s Hooks-For-Hands Man had a scraggly beard when you saw him last, realize that The Perfectionist may be casting him in an indie romantic dramedy.
  • If you suspect 1990s Hooks-For-Hands Man is involved in this terrifying romantic dramedy plan, visit his home behind the burnt-out building.

  • If the alley now contains velvet-draped dumpsters, diamond-encrusted fire escapes, and all of the litter is solid gold, that is suspicious.
  • If you're investigating the velvet-draped dumpster, someone may shove you inside and slam the lid down.
  • If there's commotion outside but you're locked in, you might as well relax on the soft velvet until someone opens the lid and lets you out.

  • If the commotion dies down and you're freed, The Perfectionist and 1990s Hooks-For-Hands Man may be standing there with Spunky Photographer Girl as their hostage.
  • If they're kidnapping her, she will probably be forced to play the manic pixie dream girl character in their indie romdramedy.
  • If she protests that she'll just refuse to act in the movie, The Perfectionist may shrug and say that they can fix that in post.

  • If The Perfectionist maniacally laughs that the Butler Squad planted bombs around the city, he must be planning on leaving town.
  • If it's cheaper to film movies in Neighborton (the city next to yours), he's probably moving production of his indie romdramedy over there.
  • If you last saw the Butler Squad at the retirement home, get back over there before the old people start whining about being blown up.

  • If they're playing bingo, dramatically burst into the room and yell at them to stop spinning that weird cage with the numbered balls inside.
  • If the cage is set to explode when someone achieves bingo, defuse it while complaining that bingo is all about luck and requires no skill.
  • If Books-For-Hands Man is getting tired, tell him to just hang out and play shuffleboard and you'll visit after you finish this adventure.

  • If you remember seeing the Butler Squad at the abandoned unmarked mailbox, head back over there.
  • If Fire-For-Hands Man's body is now missing, then let's just leave that case open and solve it later.
  • If that weird little flag-thing on the side of the mailbox is pointing up to indicate that there's mail inside, it must be a bomb.
  • In case of second bomb discovery, let Hooks-For-Hands Boy defuse it, since his tiny hooks-hands can fit inside the mailbox better.

Click here to read the next entry.

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