Friday, May 18, 2012

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 13: "Live Free or Hook Hard"

This is a collection of posts from an experimental Twitter account, "InCaseOfHooks," which tell a long story over the course of hundreds of tweets. Stay up to date by following it at, or read the previous entry here.

  • If the cop puts out an APB, you should probably abandon the very obvious, bumper-sticker-covered, neon green [non-clown] convertible.
  • If it's Halloween, there will be many boys and girls dressed as hook-handed superheroes and spunky photographers, so blend into the crowd.
  • If you're suddenly in a crowd of top-hat-clad people (and Halloween is over), you must be in the wealthy part of town.
  • If the driver is immediately arrested for not wearing a top hat in a Top Hats Only zone, I hope you're already wearing a top hat.
  • If you're not already wearing a top hat, knock off a few other people's top hats and start a riot.

  • In case of hat riot, use the chaos as a diversion while you search for that suspicious top-hatted man from the comic books.
  • If that suspicious top-hatted man was powerful enough to reboot a bunch of people's lives a bunch of times, he's probably very rich.
  • If you come across a giant mansion with a front gate that is adorned by a crest depicting golden hooks, maybe this is where he lives.
  • If the mansion is guarded by well-armed and well-dressed guards, you'll have to work together to get in.

  • If teamwork is required: Spunky Photographer Girl blinds the guards with the flash from her camera, Hooks-For-Hands Boy parkours over the fence, and you relax.
  • If Hooks-For-Hands Boy successfully parkours around/over/under/through things and opens the gate, stop relaxing and charge into the mansion.
  • If you're inside the mansion, enter the grand study and look for a giant leather armchair by the fireplace with its back turned to you.
  • If you find a giant leather armchair with its back turned, wait patiently for the villain sitting in it to spin around and face you.
  • If you've been waiting for a really long time and the giant leather armchair hasn't swiveled, maybe there's actually no villain sitting it.
  • If a butler informs you that the top-hatted man is sitting in a giant leather armchair in the *grander* study, he's richer than you thought.

  • In case of confrontation with the mysterious top-hatted man, demand to know the extent of his mysterious top-hatted deeds.
  • If top-hatted man calls himself "The Perfectionist," he may claim that he's simply been trying to keep the Hooks-For-Hands legacy relevant.
  • If each iteration became too campy, childish, dark, or overly-meta, the reboots were necessary to avoid letting the character become dated.
  • If the public's tastes have been changing increasingly quickly, The Perfectionist has never been able to satisfy every audience at once.
  • If each adaptation also happened to make millions of dollars, I guess that was just a happy accident.

  • If he claims that he was also actually helping you by rebooting the franchise and freeing you from being typecast, that's a good point.
  • If you're free from playing Hooks-For-Hands Man, you now have the opportunity to grow a scraggly beard and star in an indie dramedy.
  • If you're not planning on starring in any dramedies (even though you've already got the scraggly beard), The Perfectionist has no choice but to kill you off.
  • If a dramatic quote is needed: "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become a cameo in the reboot."
  • If this confrontation is going on for a very long time, be thankful that the butler temporarily interrupts to serve some delicious food.

Click here to read the next entry.

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