Monday, November 14, 2011

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 9: "Hooks Begins"

This is a collection of posts from an experimental Twitter account, "InCaseOfHooks," which tell a long story over the course of hundreds of tweets. Stay up to date by following it at, or read the previous entry here.

  • If your own story is being rebooted, tell the hook-handed hobo to hide behind a trashcan.
  • If hook-handed hobo is hiding behind a trashcan, you may be approached by two handless boys searching for a back-alley hospital.
  • If this is a reboot, they are probably younger and darker/edgier than you and your friend were.
  • If the younger/darker/edgier version of you is frightened by your hook hands, he may begin climbing the wall to escape.
  • If he begins climbing the wall, use your own hook-hands to give chase.

  • If this is a reboot, the updated version of the wall-chase will probably involve a lot of parkour and jumping from building to building.
  • If you're too old and tired for parkour, just rocket-hook the reboot-you and confront him on the ground.
  • If reboot-you and reboot-friend are on the ground, give them money and direct them to a real hospital so that they won't suffer your fate.
  • In case of a more realistic reboot, the mad scientist will be reimagined as a prosthetic surgeon at the hospital.
  • If more relevancy is desired, mad surgeon can also have a government contract to research the creation of hook-handed super-soldiers.

  • If reboot-you and reboot-friend arrive at the hospital, you need to get there to stop the mad surgeon from experimenting on them.
  • If you’re not supposed to be in this remake, there may be soldiers guarding the hospital and searching for you.
  • If your hook-hands are a dead giveaway, put on some oven-mitts as a disguise.
  • If that’s not enough of a disguise, wear a fake mustache.
  • If you already had a mustache, wear a fake lack-of-mustache instead.

  • If your disguise is good enough, sneak into the hospital and locate the operating room before your fake mustache falls off.
  • If the fake mustache is itchy, you can take it off now.
  • If you find reboot-you and reboot-friend, tell them that you’re here to rescue them before they’re turned into rocket-hook-handed monsters.
  • If they remind you that this a reboot, realize that rocket-hook-handed monsters would have been too science-fictiony anyway.
  • If you're still in the hospital for some reason after having 3 full days to escape, prepare for soldiers to attack.
  • If soldiers attack, begin this reboot's first fight scene, which will probably involve lots of slow-motion —> fast-motion —> slow-motion.

  • If you seem to be losing the fight, it's probably because you're still wearing oven-mitts.
  • If you're having trouble using your oven-mitts to take off your oven-mitts, ask reboot-you to help.
  • If he has trouble using his hook-hands to take off your oven-mitts, you'll just have to keep fighting with oven-mitts.
  • If you have to fight with oven-mitts, at least use them to your advantage and pick up something hot as a weapon.
  • If you need something hot and dangerous, go to the hospital cafeteria and grab a waffle-iron.
  • If you win the fight, celebrate with some delicious waffles.

Click here to read the next entry.

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