Thursday, July 28, 2011

Cracked: "Mirror Scare Variations"

If movies have taught me one thing, it's that a bathroom mirror is scarier than a haunted mansion and a haunted playground and a regular circus combined. On Cracked, you can find my short list of just some of the terrifying things that could happen to you:

A while ago, I also wrote a story on the same topic. I ended up never using it anywhere, since I figured that it would work better in chart/comic form, but you can read it below!

"That Bathroom Mirror Better Not Reveal A Monster Behind Me"

If I keep washing my face, nothing can hurt me, right? I just know what’s going to happen if I look up: the reflection of the mirror will reveal that a monster silently got behind me while I was fiddling with the knobs on the sink, and now he’s just waiting for me to see him before he attacks. There will probably be some kind of loud, jarring noise too. That will be the scariest part.

What if I open the medicine cabinet while I’m still looking down? That way when I stand back up, the mirror won’t be facing me and I won’t be able to see if there’s something horrible over my shoulder. Yeah, that will work. Okay. Trying right now. Can’t seem to find the latch on the medicine cabinet. Is this even a cabinet at all? Is this just a mirror? Is this one of those bathrooms where all the extra soap is kept in a tasteful wicker basket under the sink? Why would you do that? Sure, it looks very nice, but it’s so inconvenient to have to bend over and basically crawl on the floor every time you need to restock the toilet paper roll.

I could throw that towel over my head so I can’t see the mirror when I look up. But it’s one of those flimsy ones that you find in hotels, not a heavy beach-style blanket. I might even go as far as to call it a washcloth. Even with it completely covering my face, I’d probably still be able to make out shapes and movement. And then the monster will have something convenient to strangle me with. So that’s no good.

I better not turn around and find out that it’s just my cat, again. If it is, I’m taking him back to the vet to get checked out. I don’t know why he keeps doing this to me.

Okay, let’s be realistic: I’m going to have to look at the mirror eventually. Hopefully I’ll be lucky and this will be one of those times when I see a monster in the reflection, but when I turn around, he’s gone. What if it’s the reverse though: nothing appears in the mirror, but then I turn around and MONSTER. Or what if the monster is reflected in the mirror, but I’m not? What if the mirror reveals that I’m the monster, and I’m actually standing behind myself? That would be quite a twist.

I’ve been soaping and rinsing for a really long time now. Is it bad for you if your face and hands are overly clean? Probably. But it can’t be as bad as a machete to the back.

Alright, enough. I can’t take the suspense—I’m going to turn off the sink, stand up tall, and turn around. If there’s a monster behind me, so be it. I’ll just pray that this is actually a dream sequence, and I’ll wake up when he stabs me.

Unless this is one of those “if you die in a dream, then you die for real” scenarios. Hm.

Well, there are some teenagers who live in the neighborhood.

They'll probably have sex eventually, and then I can escape while the monster is dealing with them.

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