Sunday, August 1, 2010

Nobody Said It Would Be Easy

Listen up, because I don't want to hear any complaining after we begin: nobody said it would be easy.

Where did you hear that it would be easy? I didn't hear that, and my hearing is pretty good. So now hear this: Nobody said that.

If somebody did say that it would be easy, they were lying. Sorry to get your hopes up. Please keep your hopes in plain sight and lower them, slowly.

Sure, nobody said it would be hard. And nobody said it would be medium either. But nobody said it would be easy.

To be fair, I did say that it would be simple. And one guy said that it would be like taking candy from a baby. Someone else said that it would be a piece of cake. Maybe you heard one of us and misunderstood.

That man who compared it to a piece of cake: Did he specify what kind of cake? No. It could be a pound cake, or perhaps a carrot cake. We have no way of knowing.

But here's something we do know: It's unknown whether it will be easy.

And that other man who compared it to taking candy from a baby: Did you think that meant it would be easy? Well what you didn't realize is that this is actually a genetically-modified super baby, and it is very hungry for candy. You think it's going to be easy to take that candy? This baby will put up quite a fight.

Why did you assume that it would be a normal baby in the first place? Nobody said it would be a normal baby.

I also hope you understood that this whole baby thing was just an analogy. We will not actually be stealing snacks from infants (nobody said it would be a perfect simile). Though if we were, you can rest assured that nobody would claim that it would be easy to do so.

That part was hypothetical as well: Nobody said you could rest.

I bet you thought that it would be fast too, but it could take a while. Why, do you have something better to do? Somewhere else to be? You better clear your schedule for the next few weeks. You may have to work weekends too. Don't worry though, nobody said they expect you to come in before 10:30.

Did you think that it would make you happy? You're going to be sadly disappointed, because it will actually make you sad and disappointed. And if you thought that we'd all come out clean, then you've been grossly misinformed, because it will be pretty gross.

Look, I know that nobody said it would be easy to understand. But do you actually know anything about what's about to go on? You seem to have heard a lot of things that nobody said. Please, just try to pay attention, because nobody is going to repeat anything. Especially the things that they didn't say, like how easy this may be.

Okay. Ready? Let's get started.

By the way, if it does turn out to be easy, nobody heard any of this from me.

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