Sepia Tone Deaf

Wal-Mart Rap

2012-03-01T21:44:00.000-08:00

Wal-Mart! It's a store that sells lots of things, including food, electronics, and shame. Here are more jokes about it, in rap-form. I was the art director of this music video, and I illustrated all of the cartoons. I also animated the scene where the hero is on his knees shouting "WHY?", the peopleofwalmart.com section, the back-to-school shopping, the frozen foods, the car acting weird, the auto department, the fat guy and obese lady lookin' for pies, and the final 12-items-or-less scene.

And since I drew everything, expect lots of little references to Arrested Development, Breaking Bad, Seinfeld, Community, "Putt-Putt Saves The Zoo," and more. It's probably worth watching in HD to catch everything.

You're too lazy to watch in full-screen HD and pause every few seconds, aren't you? Thought so. To save you the trouble, here are all of the DVDs.

There are more gags in the frozen food aisle as well. I could probably make some kind of freeze-frame joke here, but I can't think of anything. It's cool though. Chill out.

Other stuff that you probably missed: the elderly greeter's pins, the impulse buyer bill, and the signs in the auto department. But I'm not going to post more screenshots, so go watch it again.

Other stuff that you definitely missed, because they're covered up by other things: the CD album covers in the back are "Can I Borrow A Feeling?" from The Simpsons (you can make out the edge of Kirk's head), a Driveshaft CD from Lost (you can make out the edge of the four-toed foot), and something called "Are Boy Bands Still Cool?" because I honestly didn't know; the underwear rack features Arrested Development cutoffs with a sign that says "Dozens available. Dozens!"; the backpacks rack in the back-to-school shopping section features Backpack from Dora The Explorer.

And more jokes! Yes, definitely more. Jokes that you'll have to find yourself.

First person to mail me a letter listing every joke in the movie gets a prize.

Fickle Theatre: "Bucket List"

2012-02-28T18:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not getting any younger, so I decided to write a bucket list.

College Humor: "9 Movie Reasons Why You're Bleeding Right Now"

2012-02-22T19:09:00.000-08:00

Look down at your body: are you bleeding anywhere right now? If not, maybe it's your head. Either way, bleeding is usually not a positive thing, but it's better to take preventative measures in the first place. To help, I've put together a list of 9 blood-loss diagnoses, and suggestions on how to avoid them. This list is posted on College Humor, but you should probably print it out and hang it up in areas where there's a high risk of zombies, time-travel, ghosts, or other bloody dangers.

NOTE: I am not a doctor, but I have watched lots of movies.

For more educational cartoons in the same vein, check out my Color-Coded Guide to Bomb Disposal and my list of Mirror Scare Variations.

Fickle Theatre: "Where There's A Will"

2012-02-21T18:19:00.000-08:00

The number of cartoons that I've made about ghosts is rapidly catching up with the number of cartoons that I've made about bank robbers. Here's another one:

On a related note, my Plot Twists twitter feed now features more than 100 twists!

...Or does it? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

Fickle Theatre: "Bass/Fail"

2012-02-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

If you to want to kelp, let minnow what you think of this week's comic. Sea what I did there? Oh cod, I'm sorry for carping on. How about one more, just for the halibut?

Also, I was very proud of myself when I came up with this title.

Fin.

Monty Python and the Rebecca Black Knight

2012-02-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

Friday the 10th is the one-year anniversary of Rebecca Black's "Friday" music video. Someone mentioned the Black Knight from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." Here is a hastily-made mash-up to celebrate. Again: this was conceived of, animated, and uploaded in a very short span of time. So please lower your expectations.

Okay, done! You can raise your expectations again now.

Fickle Theatre: "Grizzly"

2012-02-07T18:09:00.000-08:00

Bonus joke in this week's comic: Soup doesn't count as a meal, so the purple guy is going to have to take the blue guy out for dinner again later.

Fickle Theatre: "Only One Day Away"

2012-01-31T12:23:00.000-08:00

It's been several weeks since I did a cartoon about cops or robbers, so I was legally obligated to make this one.

Also, I would have titled this "Retirony," but The Simpsons did that already.

"Board to Death" Interview

2012-01-28T12:40:00.000-08:00

I recently got interviewed by the Penn Gazette (UPenn's alumni magazine)! It was mostly about winning a prize for "Board to Death." Part of that prize from OnVidi involved agreeing to make a follow-up video about what I'm going to do with my success, so here's a sneak peek at that upcoming project.

Other things I talked about in my interview: old Looney Tunes cartoons, being a control freak, a sequel to "Socknapped," and owning an animation studio. I also talked about dangerous attempts to get food while filming stop-motion movies, but they cut that part out.

Fickle Theatre: "Highway to Help"

2012-01-24T14:52:00.000-08:00

This is something that I constantly have the urge to do while driving on the highway behind trucks. And I like to imagine that you're actually calling that specific truck driver, and not just a central call center. That way you can say "Hi, it's me, the station wagon behind you."

Wikipedia tells me that 10% of trucks with this sticker get calls, and a small percentage of those are actually compliments. So that's pretty cool.

Plot Twists

2012-01-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

As everyone knows, the best part of any story is the ending. And as everyone also knows, the best part of any ending is the shocking twist that you never see coming. Writing entire stories takes a while, however. So to save you some time, I'm writing endings with the boring beginnings and middles cut out. You can find more on Twitter at @PlotTwists, but here are a few:

The "X" on the treasure map is just a typo.

The family discovers that their brand new burial ground is haunted because it was built on the remains of an old house.

Martin finds out that he was never able to have children because he's a reverse orphan.

The two babies were switched at birth, switched again right before they left the hospital, and switched again right before they graduated from college.

In the end, it turns out that the monster was just CGI.

The hero realizes that the name of the town spelled backwards is really hard to pronounce.

The man with a split personality was actually two separate people the entire time.

The most dangerous game turns out to be shuffleboard.

After catching the ghost pirate in a trap, the gang takes off his mask and reveals that the murderer was just good old high cholesterol in disguise.

The aliens eventually die because they're allergic to bullets.

The mole in the CIA is revealed to actually be a groundhog.

The heroes finally vanquish all of the garlic by using a vampire.

The two kids pretending to be an adult by standing on each others shoulders were actually just one tall guy wearing a trench coat.

The hero gets amnesia and forgets that it was all a dream.

The man hiding in the backseat of Lisa's car was just popping up to warn her about that annoying trucker who keeps flashing his headlights on and off.

The superhero's secret identity is another superhero.

The man behind the curtain is just a tourist who got lost while looking for the bathroom and accidentally wandered into an employees-only area.

Again, there are more on @PlotTwists. Full disclosure: part of the reason that I'm doing this is that I found out that the Twitter name "PlotTwists" wasn't taken, and I don't want to let that name go to waste.

Fickle Theatre: "Match Point"

2012-01-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

Since I like you, I'll let you have this cartoon half-off.

Choosito! Search and Learn

2012-01-14T09:55:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I made a promotional video for Choosito, a website which helps students, parents, and teachers find and share educational resources on the internet. Since then, I was commissioned to make a second video, which would be less about instructions on using the website, and more about the concepts behind it.

Since this is about education, I wanted to give the video a home-made, arts-and-crafts feeling, and decided to go stop-motion. Back when I first started doing my bulletin board animation, I originally considered using post-it note characters. While that didn't pan out, I got a fun chance to play with post-it notes here.

Fickle Theatre: "Masters of Ceremonies"

2012-01-10T09:20:00.000-08:00

I am just so excited for Flag Day, that I can't wait all the way until June 14th! So to satisfy your craving for jokes about flags, here's a new cartoon:

Follow That Van

2012-01-07T12:04:00.000-08:00

Here's another little Twitter experiment: I happened to be watching a movie recently where a character got in a taxi and shouted "follow that car!" Of course, I immediately thought "it would be clever to make a Twitter account called @thatcar, so people can follow it." And of course, that Twitter account is taken, and only made one dumb tweet 4 years ago. The account @that_car hasn't really done anything excited either. So after searching around, I managed to claim @that_van.

I wrote up a little story for it, and we'll see how long it lasts. It's sort of like live-tweeting the aftermath of bank heist. There are plot-twists along the way! Also along the way: jokes.

So anyhoo, if you want to stay up to date, you can follow that_van!

Fickle Theatre: "2011 Awards for Stuff Awards"

2012-01-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

Man, I miss 2011 already, don't you? I'm especially nostalgic for all of those "best of the year" lists. So now that it's kind of retro to do that, here is a chart of the best movies and television of the year, the worst movies and television of the year, and also a drawing of a dinosaur.

In fact, I love list-making so much, that here is an extended list of awards that I didn't feel like drawing pictures of:

What? Award: Rubber
What? Award, runner-up: Super
Best superhero movie: X-Men: First Class (not that it had any competition)
Worst movie, runner-up: Transformers 3
I don't know a single person who saw: Pirates of the Caribbean 4
Best new TV show: Homeland
Best individual TV episodes:

Breaking Bad: "Crawl Space" (also "Face Off")
Louie: "Duckling" (also "Oh Louie/Tickets")
Community: "Remedial Chaos Theory" (also "Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking")
Parks & Recreation: "Li'l Sebastian" (also "Flu Season")
Curb Your Enthusiasm: "Vow of Silence" (also "Palestinian Chicken")
Childrens Hospital: "Newsreaders" (also "A Play in Three Acts")
NTSF:SD:SUV::: "The Risky Business of Being Alone in your Home"
South Park: "You're Getting Old"
The Office: "Goodbye, Michael"
Homeland: "The Weekend"
Dexter: "This is the Way the World Ends" made me laugh harder than any other episode this season, so let's go with that one

I am crazy excited for: Looper

Cool School: Like School, But Cooler

2011-12-31T15:20:00.000-08:00

Cool School is like regular school, but with rocking-and-rolling antelopes, wars between farmers and aliens, clowns that are terrible drivers, and big bad wolves that have big bad indigestion—so, you know, it's cooler. And it's so cool that its name rhymes.

Which is pretty cool.

I do all the art for these cartoons: the backgrounds, the characters, the chroma-keying, the Batman-style "wham"s and "pow"s, the animation, and more. Here's a recent one about baseball, guitar heroics, and professionalism:

Here is another one about the importance of visiting your grandparents, condiments to use when cooking an old lady, and the dangers of eating more than three Twinkies in a short period of time:

And finally, here is one of many math problems, about alien invasions, types of seeds, and strategies for defending your farm. (I mean that this is just one of many math problems. I don't mean that there are many math problems about farm defense):

Anyway, Cool School is just getting started, and it's only going to get cooler in the future! You can see the rest of the current episodes on the YouTube channel, but there's more to come.

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 10: "The Hook Night"

2011-12-29T14:49:00.000-08:00

This is a collection of posts from an experimental Twitter account, "InCaseOfHooks," which tell a long story over the course of hundreds of tweets. Stay up to date by following it at twitter.com/InCaseOfHooks, or read the previous entry here.

In case of no more waffles, drive reboot-friend back to his house.
If you drop reboot-friend off at his house, be surprised to see your presumed-dead ex-best-friend there too.
If your ex-best-friend is playing reboot-friend's father, he must be making a cameo appearance in the reboot.
If your ex-best-friend acts like he doesn't know you, he must be a real method actor.
If your ex-best-friend continues acting, he'll probably ask his son why he is hanging out with a hook-handed homeless man.
If he's more concerned about his son hanging out with a homeless man than the fact that his son has no hands, he's probably not a great dad.
If he's not a good dad, try calling child protective services, but give up because you don't have your hook-hand-operable phone.
If you don't have your hook-hand-operable phone, you might as well drive reboot-you to his house so that you can use his landline.
In case the reboot audience is getting restless from the lack of action scenes, take a motorcycle and do some crazy stunts along the way.
If this reboot is skewing towards a younger audience, play a popular current song while doing the crazy motorcycle stunts.
In case of arrival at reboot-you's house, his house may be burned to the ground.
If his house is burned to the ground, that’s too bad, because now you’ll never get to see what the new set for your house would have looked like.
In case of burned house so early in the adventure, this reboot is clearly going in a different direction than your story did.
If this reboot is going in a different direction, maybe you messed things up by intervening instead of staying in character as a hobo.
In case of messing things up, you should probably try and make things right.
In case of making things right, ask reboot-you if he wants to be your sidekick, Hooks-For-Hands Boy.
If Hooks-For-Hands Boy reminds you that he has top-billing in the reboot, accept playing the crazy old mentor character instead.
In case of accepting a smaller role, ask if you can at least be on the poster.
If offered a spot on the international poster and the back of the DVD case (but not the Blu Ray), you should probably settle for that.
If the deal is settled, search through the smoking remains of the kitchen for any surviving waffle mix.
If waffle mix found, celebrate with some slightly toasty waffles.

Glass Half Empty: "Hindsight"

2011-12-27T09:44:00.000-08:00

Sigh. Of course this happened. I should have known that as soon as I made two Glass Half Empty cartoons about time travel, this next one would go up on Cracked too. I might as well just make Glass Half Empty exclusively about time travel jokes from now on. Oh well... hindsight is 20/20!

Do you get it?

That's the name of the comic.

Anyway, when this was originally made, iPhones from three years earlier didn't have great cameras. If I could go back in time now, I would tell my younger-self to change the punchline to "Oh, I would do that too. But I'd show off by doing it on a fancy camera-phone from the future where you can also access a notifications center by swiping down from the top of the screen."

Glass Half Empty: "The Timeline"

2011-12-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

Here is a joke about Facebook Timeline. Also, I'm sorry that Glass Half Empty now has two time-travel-related cartoons in a row. If this comic wasn't so topical, I would probably make a non-time-travel-related buffer cartoon to put first.

Fickle Theatre: "Bruce Bannon, Loose Cannon"

2011-12-13T08:56:00.000-08:00

This week's cartoon is about detectives that are only one day away from retirement, have nothing left to lose, fight on the thin line between "cop" and "criminal," live life on the edge, and don't play by the rules but get results.

Fickle Theatre: "You And Me"

2011-12-06T12:29:00.001-08:00

Today's comic is brought to you be the letter U.

Fickle Theatre: "Into The Deep"

2011-11-29T07:18:00.001-08:00

Two comics in two weeks means Fickle Theatre is still on a consistent update schedule! I can't wait to see if we can make it to three in a row.

Fickle Theatre: "Wagers"

2011-11-22T17:09:00.001-08:00

Exciting news: Defectivity is getting back on an actual schedule! From now, I'm planning on having a new comic up every Tuesday—I don't know if they'll be Fickle Theatre strips or Glass Half Empty strips, but they'll always be posted here, on the website, and on the official Facebook page.

Speaking of which, don't forget to Like that Facebook page! If you like these comics but don't officially Like them, you're basically committing laugh-theft. And I will alert the authorities if I have to.

Oh, and here's a cartoon:

Defectivity: The Facebook Page

2011-11-21T21:09:00.001-08:00

I know what you've been thinking: "I love visiting Defectivity and Sepia Tone Deaf, but I hate the fact that I have to leave Facebook to see them! Isn't there an easier way?!"

I know what you're thinking now: "How did you know what I was thinking a second ago?"

It is both a gift and a curse, and I would rather not talk about it. (And if you followed my Intelligent Camera Control blog, now you're probably thinking, "Hey, you used this joke already." Well, now I'm thinking, "Be quiet.")

But let's go back to that first question, because Yes, there is an easier way! Defectivity has now entered the 21st century, and finally has its very own Facebook page. Along with links to new comics and updates, it will also feature Facebook Exclusive Content. There's more to come, but right now it includes a few brand new comics! Here's one of them to whet your appetite:

So why don't you go ahead and Like that Facebook page! I can't promise that something amazing will happen if you Like it, but I can promise that nothing amazing will happen if you don't.

"Board to Death": Now an Award-Winning Film!

2011-11-15T17:23:00.001-08:00

It's an exciting time to be a corkboard jellyfish: Board to Death has won the $10,000 prize of the "Action" category in the OnVidi Student Film Festival! I was actually informed on Halloween, and thought it was a prank at first. Maybe it still is. But at this point, it's become so elaborate that I'd be impressed anyway—so thanks, OnVidi!

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 9: "Hooks Begins"

2011-11-14T17:15:00.000-08:00

If your own story is being rebooted, tell the hook-handed hobo to hide behind a trashcan.
If hook-handed hobo is hiding behind a trashcan, you may be approached by two handless boys searching for a back-alley hospital.
If this is a reboot, they are probably younger and darker/edgier than you and your friend were.
If the younger/darker/edgier version of you is frightened by your hook hands, he may begin climbing the wall to escape.
If he begins climbing the wall, use your own hook-hands to give chase.
If this is a reboot, the updated version of the wall-chase will probably involve a lot of parkour and jumping from building to building.
If you're too old and tired for parkour, just rocket-hook the reboot-you and confront him on the ground.
If reboot-you and reboot-friend are on the ground, give them money and direct them to a real hospital so that they won't suffer your fate.
In case of a more realistic reboot, the mad scientist will be reimagined as a prosthetic surgeon at the hospital.
If more relevancy is desired, mad surgeon can also have a government contract to research the creation of hook-handed super-soldiers.
If reboot-you and reboot-friend arrive at the hospital, you need to get there to stop the mad surgeon from experimenting on them.
If you’re not supposed to be in this remake, there may be soldiers guarding the hospital and searching for you.
If your hook-hands are a dead giveaway, put on some oven-mitts as a disguise.
If that’s not enough of a disguise, wear a fake mustache.
If you already had a mustache, wear a fake lack-of-mustache instead.
If your disguise is good enough, sneak into the hospital and locate the operating room before your fake mustache falls off.
If the fake mustache is itchy, you can take it off now.
If you find reboot-you and reboot-friend, tell them that you’re here to rescue them before they’re turned into rocket-hook-handed monsters.
If they remind you that this a reboot, realize that rocket-hook-handed monsters would have been too science-fictiony anyway.
If you're still in the hospital for some reason after having 3 full days to escape, prepare for soldiers to attack.
If soldiers attack, begin this reboot's first fight scene, which will probably involve lots of slow-motion —> fast-motion —> slow-motion.
If you seem to be losing the fight, it's probably because you're still wearing oven-mitts.
If you're having trouble using your oven-mitts to take off your oven-mitts, ask reboot-you to help.
If he has trouble using his hook-hands to take off your oven-mitts, you'll just have to keep fighting with oven-mitts.
If you have to fight with oven-mitts, at least use them to your advantage and pick up something hot as a weapon.
If you need something hot and dangerous, go to the hospital cafeteria and grab a waffle-iron.
If you win the fight, celebrate with some delicious waffles.

Click here to read the next entry.

Choosito! Promotional Video

2011-11-12T16:02:00.001-08:00

Choosito! is a website (currently in beta) which helps students, parents, and teachers find helpful content on the internet: you can search online and filter results based on grade and subject, parents can find websites that have been rated highly by the education community, teachers can share ideas for research projects, and more.

I was commissioned to animate a promotional video which also explains how to use some of the site's features. Since it's focused on education and schools, I wanted to go with a cartoony, kid-friendly feel. Here's my movie (music is "Walk With A Kid" by fri.events Orchestra):

Fickle Theatre: "Ghouls"

2011-10-31T16:37:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween! To celebrate, here's a new cartoon. Or should I say, a new... carBOOn!?
(On second though, I'm not going to say that because it's stupid)

SoDak Animation Festival

2011-10-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of attending the SoDak Animation Festival in South Dakota, which screened Board to Death! Being there as an filmmaker instead of just a viewer was pretty awesome: I got to stand on stage and answer audience questions about my movie, I met a bunch of other cool animators, someone gave me a dog, and I even got a name badge to wear around my neck—and my name was spelled correctly on this one, automatically making SoDak a better festival than Ottawa.

Speaking of Ottawa, I did have a great time illustrating that visual journey about my time there last year. Maybe I'll do the same for my South Dakota trip when I get a chance. This visual journey will probably be much less focused on food, since I didn't eat anything as delicious as a beavertail, or as horrifying as poutine.

Anyway, getting to see Board to Death on a big screen was exciting. And people asked me lots of good questions about how I made the cuts from different takes look seamless (hours of Photoshop), how much planning ahead I did (other than a storyboard, rough animatic, and some 5-second-long test shots, not much), and whether any of the rubber bands ever broke while filming (no, and I am still thankful).

At the festival, I did get to meet a bunch of other awesome people and see their awesome animations. Joy Vaccese and Noelle Melody won the Golden Cowbell with Place Stamp Here. I can't seem to find the entire movie online, but here's their trailer:

I also met Dylan Hayes, who made Playing For Keeeps. As far as I can tell, the video's not online, but it even looks pretty cool as a screenshot:

Giles Timm was there with a couple of shorts, including a music video called Chasm. Once again, I can't find an embeddable version of it, but here's one of his other movies, Dead All Along:

Finally, I also met Greg Bro, creator of A Cock Tale. And whoa, that video is actually online in it's entirety, so I can actually include it! Hurray for embeddable video:

Of course there were lots of other great shorts too, and as always happens at festivals, I'm now inspired to try out a whole bunch of new techniques and styles. I missed David Chai speaking about animation on Thursday night, but we did get to talk briefly afterwards. And thanks a lot to Cable Hardin and Dev Narang for helping me out with being in South Dakota.

Anyway, now that Board to Death has officially played at an animation festival, I can start plastering those very austere and important-looking "film festival wreathes" all over it! You know, where it says "official selection" between a pair of leaves that look like parentheses. Yeah, those things. Exciting stuff.

In a few weeks, the short will be playing at CutOut Fest in Mexico. I hope people enjoy it! I won't be able to make it down there—luckily, that just means that I won't have to adopt another giant dog and then abandon it when I become terrified of smuggling it on an airplane.

College Humor: "Color-Coded Guide to Bomb Disposal"

2011-10-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

I know this is a high-pressure situation: you just killed the bad guys, rescued the hostages, and reconnected with your estranged daughter. But take a deep breath, because you're not in the clear yet. Hear that ticking noise? That's right—you've got a bomb on your hands. Lucky for you, College Humor just ran this guide that I made. Good luck. We're all counting on you!

Obviously this strip is pretty long, but I actually deleted a whole bunch of entries to save space. Maybe one day I'll make a Director's Cuts version. Get it? Director's Cuts?

Like with wires.

Glass Half Empty: "Time Out"

2011-10-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 8: "Hooks In Boots"

2011-10-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

If Fire-For-Hands Man is gone, go home.
If you return to a pile of rubble, remember that your house burned down.
In case of homelessness, locate that hook-handed hobo who took your money so long ago.
If you find that hook-handed hobo, ask if he needs a roommate.
If he doesn't need a roommate, it's probably because he doesn't have any rooms.
If he doesn’t have any rooms, ask him how he became homeless in the first place.
If he became homeless due to his old house being burned down by a pyromaniac, ask why he didn’t put out the fire.
If he didn’t put out the fire because he was napping to celebrate defeating his ex-friend, ask why he and his ex-friend were fighting.
If he and his ex-friend were fighting because he left his ex-friend for dead earlier, ask where he left his ex-friend for dead earlier.
If he left his ex-friend for dead in the lab of a mad scientist, ask what happened in the lab of the mad scientist.
If the mad scientist gave him hooks for hands, ask him how he ended up captured by a mad scientist in the first place.
If he was captured while looking for a back-alley hospital, ask why he was looking for a back-alley hospital.
If he was looking for a back-alley hospital because he had no hands to cover his head with, ask why he was covering his head.
If he was covering his head, there was probably a fire.
In case of fire, hook-handed hobo may be the original Hooks-For-Hands Man.
If hook-handed hobo is the original Hooks-For-Hands Man, you may actually be in a reboot.
If you’re homeless, realize that you are now a hook-handed hobo too.
If you are now a hook-handed hobo too, realize that your own story is being rebooted.

Click here to read the next entry.

Render Doodles: Dream Mining for Anteaters

2011-10-07T15:36:00.000-07:00

Man, Final Cut takes a while to render and export videos that involve lots of green-screening and chroma-keying.

I was kind of disappointed to learn that Dream Mining is just about singing and fashion and making friends. When I first heard the name, I assumed that it was about a team of high-tech miners (and a wise-cracking canary) that drill into people's dreams while they sleep.

Someone also asked me to draw an anteater. I don't really know what anteaters look like offhand, and Google image searching would be cheating, so I just did the best that I could.

McSweeney's: Beyond the 4th Wall

2011-09-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

"Beyond the 4th Wall" is my third humor essay published on McSweeney's. As a special limited-time offer, you can get it in easy-to-read list-form. So act now!

"This Standoff Has Gone On Long Enough" was my second McSweeney's article. It continued my long obsession with making stories and cartoons about robberies and hostage situations.

"I Dance Like I Have Two Left Feet" was my first McSweeney's article. It was the heartbreaking story of a man who can't dance, play soccer, or run, but is a thumbwrestling/Scrabble champion.

More of my older humor essays are here. They include interventions for friends who are starting to look like submarine captains, instructions for fun and games to play after someone loses an eye, tales of camping trips gone horribly wrong, and lists of seafood.

"Board To Death": Coming To A Film Festival Near You!

2011-09-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

My stop-motion animated movie, "Board to Death," is coming soon to a film festival near you! ...Assuming you live near South Dakota or Querétaro, Mexico!

But if you're in Brookings, South Dakota on October 20-22, you should check out the SoDak Animation festival. If you're in Querétaro, Mexico on November 10-12, visit the CutOut Fest international animation festival. If you're somewhere else, hopefully "Board to Death" will soon be accepted into a film festival that's more convenient!

And if you never saw "Board to Death" in the first place, watch it below.

Render Doodles: Zombie College + Digits

2011-09-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

Time for some more doodles made while waiting for Final Cut to render or export things!

Zombie College is an cartoon. Zombie College has a theme song that you will not be able to get out of your head. Or at the very least, Zombie College will make you remember the name of the show. Which is Zombie College, by the way.

Digits is another show. It doesn't have a theme song, but it probably should have one that just says "Digits" over and over again. Anyway, it did inspire this picture.

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 7: "Through the Hooking Glass"

2011-09-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

If the hell out of there, time to find fire's natural predator: glass, and the breaking thereof.
If it's time, consult Super Hero Classified Ads in local newspaper.
In case of consultation, locate Glass-For-Hands Man.
If Glass-For-Hands Man located, call him up on your hook-hand-operated phone.
In case of getting Glass-For-Hands Man's voice-mail, leave a message asking if he wants to be your sidekick.
In case of awkward mix-up where Glass-For-Hands Man was calling you back while you were leaving a message, try calling him again.
If Glass-For-Hands Man picks up this time, ask if he listened to your message.
If he listened to your message, he may ask you to be his sidekick instead—he has been around longer, after all.
If offered, take offer.
In case of accepted offer, ask to meet up for coffee somewhere with hook-hand-operable coffee cups.
In case of meet-up, explain that you're tired of fighting Fire-For-Hands Man and kind of want to move on to the next story.
If ready to move on to next story, summarize fight scene.
In case of fight scene summary: pow, bam, FWOOM, smash, csssshhhhzzzhhh, FWOOSH, chop, chop, CHOP, kaplunk, pow.
In case of "pow," zoom in while using slow motion to accentuate the "ow" part.
In case of accentuated "ow," Fire-For-Hands Man may ironically fall through a glass window.
In case of ironic window made of glass, consider if this is really irony, or if irony would only have been in case of window made of hooks.
If too much time is spent considering proper use of the term "irony," Fire-For-Hands Man may non-ironically escape.

Click here to read the next entry.

Fickle Theatre: "The Other Guy"

2011-09-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

It's Better To _____ Than To Fade Away

2011-08-31T17:31:00.000-07:00

Burn out

Dissolve

Iris in

Page peel

Star wipe

Cracked: "Onions"

2011-08-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

Cracked published a Glass Half Empty comic today. It's possibly based on a true story.

If you happen to be coming here from Cracked, you can find many more (possibly funnier) Glass Half Empty comics right here!

If you happen to be coming here from Defectivity, you can find my previous Cracked cartoon, "Mirror Scare Variations," right here!

If you happen to be coming here from somewhere else... How did you get in here? You better get out, or I'm calling the cops.

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 6: "Some Like It Hooks"

2011-08-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

If back in your present time, go back to investigating charred remains of your house.
In case of investigation of charred house, find a charred match.
If charred match found, bring it to crime lab so that science can be done at it.
If science is done successfully, find charred fingerprints on charred match.
If charred fingerprints found, then fire was work of local pyromaniac.
In case of pyromania, follow long trail of ashes across city.
In case of ashes leading to building with smoke coming out of the windows, you may be at the right place.
If at the right place, confront pyromaniac inside.
In case of confrontation, pyromaniac may attack you with fire.
In case of fire, break glass on pyromaniac's head.
If pyromaniac is physically stunned by glass attack, take opportunity to lecture him on fire safety.
If fire safety lecture goes on too long, pyromaniac may become bored and/or enraged.
If pyromaniac becomes enraged, he may leap at you.
If pyromaniac leaps at you, close your eyes, swing your hook-hands wildly, and hope for the best.
In case of best, hook swing may literally "disarm" pyromaniac.
In case of worst, disarmed pyromaniac may ignite and now have fire for hands.
In case of pyromaniac having fire for hands, get the hell out of there, because fire is a hook's natural predator.

Click here to read the next entry.

Seafood Similes

2011-08-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

Happy as a clam

Cool as a cucumber roll

Right as rainbow trout

Easy as lobster pie

Curious as a catfish

Rich as a king crab

Gross as tuna

Cracked: "Mirror Scare Variations"

2011-07-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

If movies have taught me one thing, it's that a bathroom mirror is scarier than a haunted mansion and a haunted playground and a regular circus combined. On Cracked, you can find my short list of just some of the terrifying things that could happen to you:

A while ago, I also wrote a story on the same topic. I ended up never using it anywhere, since I figured that it would work better in chart/comic form, but you can read it below!

"That Bathroom Mirror Better Not Reveal A Monster Behind Me"

If I keep washing my face, nothing can hurt me, right? I just know what’s going to happen if I look up: the reflection of the mirror will reveal that a monster silently got behind me while I was fiddling with the knobs on the sink, and now he’s just waiting for me to see him before he attacks. There will probably be some kind of loud, jarring noise too. That will be the scariest part.

What if I open the medicine cabinet while I’m still looking down? That way when I stand back up, the mirror won’t be facing me and I won’t be able to see if there’s something horrible over my shoulder. Yeah, that will work. Okay. Trying right now. Can’t seem to find the latch on the medicine cabinet. Is this even a cabinet at all? Is this just a mirror? Is this one of those bathrooms where all the extra soap is kept in a tasteful wicker basket under the sink? Why would you do that? Sure, it looks very nice, but it’s so inconvenient to have to bend over and basically crawl on the floor every time you need to restock the toilet paper roll.

I could throw that towel over my head so I can’t see the mirror when I look up. But it’s one of those flimsy ones that you find in hotels, not a heavy beach-style blanket. I might even go as far as to call it a washcloth. Even with it completely covering my face, I’d probably still be able to make out shapes and movement. And then the monster will have something convenient to strangle me with. So that’s no good.

I better not turn around and find out that it’s just my cat, again. If it is, I’m taking him back to the vet to get checked out. I don’t know why he keeps doing this to me.

Okay, let’s be realistic: I’m going to have to look at the mirror eventually. Hopefully I’ll be lucky and this will be one of those times when I see a monster in the reflection, but when I turn around, he’s gone. What if it’s the reverse though: nothing appears in the mirror, but then I turn around and MONSTER. Or what if the monster is reflected in the mirror, but I’m not? What if the mirror reveals that I’m the monster, and I’m actually standing behind myself? That would be quite a twist.

I’ve been soaping and rinsing for a really long time now. Is it bad for you if your face and hands are overly clean? Probably. But it can’t be as bad as a machete to the back.

Alright, enough. I can’t take the suspense—I’m going to turn off the sink, stand up tall, and turn around. If there’s a monster behind me, so be it. I’ll just pray that this is actually a dream sequence, and I’ll wake up when he stabs me.

Unless this is one of those “if you die in a dream, then you die for real” scenarios. Hm.

Well, there are some teenagers who live in the neighborhood.

They'll probably have sex eventually, and then I can escape while the monster is dealing with them.

Glass Half Empty: "It's The Humidity"

2011-07-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

It hit 104 degrees Fahrenheit in New York City today. That's pretty hot. Here's a cartoon to... celebrate, I guess?

McSweeney's: This Standoff Has Gone On Long Enough

2011-07-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

We all knew it would end like this: you, the undercover cop, pointing your gun at him, the desperate criminal, pointing his gun at me, the guy who can’t remember whose side he’s on, pointing my gun at you.

Come on, my arm is getting tired. This standoff has gone on long enough.

I got a second humor essay published on McSweeney's! You can read the rest of it here.

Want to read my first McSweeney's article? Read "I Dance Like I Have Two Left Feet" here.

Also, you can read lots of other humor essays here. Some of them were rejected by McSweeney's—perhaps for being too funny?!

Our Family Camping Trip

2011-07-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited to take you and the kids camping next week! What a perfect way to start the summer. I got our sleeping bags out of the closet, I finished packing the hiking gear, and I already hired a hobo to hide in the woods and wait for us.

Wait, did I not tell you about the hobo?

See, at night we'll gather around the campfire to tell scary stories. Mine will be the terrifying tale of an insane vagrant with an axe for a hand who wanders the forest and murders campers. At the climax of the story, that hobo I hired will let out a blood-curdling scream as he leaps down from a tree and scares the hell out of everyone. Then we’ll all eat delicious s’mores.

Of course I gave the hobo an axe, honey. Otherwise, how would the kids get that he's supposed to be the hobo from the story, and not just any hobo?

Unfortunately, this guy isn't the best actor. But out of all the ones I auditioned, he seemed the most authentic. Don’t worry, I told him to rehearse with a few other families before we get there. I really want him to give a great performance on the big night.

The best part is, I don't even have to buy costumes or anything: he already looks the part. Plus, any method actor can stay in character all the time. He’s so professional that he stays in multiple characters all the time. And they all constantly act out complicated dialogue scenes with each other. Using different voices and everything.

I should probably ask him take a shower though. He kind of reeks—I don't want anyone to smell him coming and ruin the surprise.

Obviously we will all laugh after it's over. But during campfire time, I want a real sense of danger so everyone can imagine that they're the campers in the story. Do you think we’ll get reception out there? Maybe I should steal everyone’s cell phones just in case. I wonder if the fake bloody handprints would be creepier if they’re on the side of the tent or on the side of the bag with the granola bars. And should I slash our car’s tires before or after we go on the nature trail?

These are the kinds of questions I want to answer in advance. I’m not trained in improv.

Still, if all goes according to plan, this will be the best vacation our family has ever taken. And after the excitement-filled night ahead, Tuesday’s sailing trip will be a nice change of pace. It will be relaxing for all of us. I can teach the kids how to fish. You can read your book. Nobody will expect anything scary to happen.

That's why I also gave the hobo a jet ski.

Corporate Cartoons

2011-06-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

I do freelance work sometimes, and was recently commissioned to do an old fashioned logo for Charles Snider, a coworker from Thomson Reuters. You can see it below, and you better get some of those one-of-a-kinds before they become none-of-a-kinds:

A few months ago, I also did a Thomson Reuters-themed cartoon for Charles. So Scott Adams, watch out, because I guess I'm going to be competing with "Dilbert" soon.

(Psst... don't tell anyone, but I don't know what Siebel is.)

Render Doodles: Cowboys & Aliens & Tea Parties & Cantaloupes & Melons

2011-06-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

Here are some more quick drawings made while waiting for more important things to finish rendering or exporting at work. First up, the request was for "A drawing of a cowboy and an alien having tea."

I know the cowboy looks angry, but he's just trying to act tough to cover up the fact that he is enjoying the tea as well. Later that day, I had something with a very short render time, but I was asked to quickly draw "A melon and a cantaloupe arguing about something." So here we go.

If you have any other requests for things, let me know. I am sure I will be spending a lot of time waiting for rendering in the future.

Render Doodles: Elephant + Rhinoceros

2011-06-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

At work, while waiting for some animations to render, a coworker suggested that I fill the time by drawing a picture of an elephant giving a flower to a rhinoceros (who must be wearing a tutu). Here are the results!

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 5: "Hook To The Future"

2011-06-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

In case of bad dreams involving fires, wake up from nap.
If woken up from nap, realize that you were dreaming of fires because your house is on fire.
If house is on fire, look for glass to break.
If no glass, turn on sink.
If sink begins spurting out fire instead of water, get out of your house because you’re pretty much screwed.
In case of standing across the street and watching house burn down, I’m sorry.
In case of apology from me, go downtown, because now you have nothing better to do.
If you do actually have something better to do, do that instead.
In case of claiming to have something better to do, you’re lying, because you’re homeless now.
If homeless, visit mad scientist in jail, and offer money for access to his time machine.
If using time machine, exit in the future.
In case of everyone having hooks for hands in the future, maybe you screwed something up by time traveling.
In case of screwing something up by time traveling, grab nearest hook-handed person and ask how everyone got hooks for hands.
If hook-handed person begins telling story, take a seat and listen intently.
If story starts with a fire and is told in 140-character bursts, you may be listening to a Twitter feed.
If you were not around to save the day (you were time traveling, remember?), the fire continued to spread.
In case of world-wide fire, people followed proper procedure.
If proper procedure was properly followed, everyone ended up with hooks for hands.
In case of a world filled with hook-handed people, use time machine to return to your present/their past.

Click here to read the next entry.

Fickle Theatre: "The Haunting"

2011-06-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

Is it time for a new comic strip? I think so. The grandfather also looks kind of similar to the guy in this comic, so consider this a sequel.

Valentine's Day and Fish

2011-05-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

While cleaning and organizing piles of notebooks in my room, I'm discovering lots of doodles and sketches that I completely forgot about. I figured I'd post some of them here!

Here are some drawings from when I went to Dr. Sketchy's in Philadelphia with my friend Marissa. All of the poses were "Anti-Valentine's Day" themed. For one contest, the model sat on a couch while holding a stick, and we were supposed to draw something depicting "the one that got away." Because I am a crazy person, this immediately made me think of fishing.

For another pose, the contest was for "true love lost." The model looked really uncomfortable leaning on the armrest of that couch.

I didn't win any of the contests, but I did have fun turning my figure drawings into silly jokes. We also did lots of quicker drawings, so here are a few. I didn't have time to add fish to these.

Anyway, as I continue digging through my notebooks, I plan on posting more often than I have in the past. I'm finding a lot of half-finished comic strips, some of which have no punchline, and others of which are only punchline with no set-up. But they do make me laugh, mostly because I have no idea what I was thinking about when doodling them in the first place.

Movie: "Board To Death"

2011-05-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

This was my final project for my Mixed Media Animation class, and... I guess the last movie or animation that I will make at Penn! It was made with rubber bands wrapped around thumbtacks on a bulletin board.

Board to Death from Dan Markowitz on Vimeo.

It took a long time to make, and my fingers hurt from moving all those thumbtacks around, but I think it was worth the trouble. You can also watch it on YouTube here, if you want.

Mixed Media Animation

2011-05-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

I took a Mixed Media Animation class this semester, mostly because I wanted to force myself to get out of my hand-drawn frame-by-frame computer-animation comfort-zone. Here are some of the results!

The goal of this assignment was to first make a 15-second soundtrack by editing together different music, sound effects, and dialogue clips. I ended up trying to make something which sounded "cold," and then matched it with photos, scanned textures, and drawings. I hope it's not too seizure-inducing.

"Sand & Stars" was made with piles of soil/dirt on a lightbox. The goal was to get some interesting transitions by adding and removing material. I also did all of the sound myself, foley-style, by wandering around my apartment with a recorder.

"Product Design" was for a replacement-animation assignment, where the goal was to constantly switch out objects and backgrounds between frames. I decided to tell a chicken-and-egg story of pencils and books. Also, those are not Scrabble tiles, they are Bananagram tiles. Big difference.

"That Sucks" is the tale of a puppet trying to vacuum. He doesn't have a hideous spine-injury... he's just fat. This project taught me that I hate building and animating armatures.

Fun and Games for After Someone Loses an Eye

2011-04-25T15:53:00.001-07:00

Find That Eye!
This is the first game you’ll want to play. Divide into two groups: one team searches for the missing eye, the other team drives the now one-eyed player to the hospital. The first team to achieve their goal wins! (Note: even if the search team wins, you may want to continue playing until the hospital team is finished as well.)

Eye-Spy!
A new twist on an old classic! One player hides the loose eye and gives clues based on what it can “see” from its resting place. The first player to find the eye wins! Give the one-eyed player a head-start, because he has a disadvantage. Also give the one-eyed player a monocle. It probably won't help him to play, but he deserves it for being a good sport.

Gesundheit!
This is a great way to amuse friends, family, and any doctors you encounter while at the hospital during the “Find That Eye” game. Hold the loose eye in your hand, lift it to your face, and then pretend to sneeze so hard that your eye pops out! Alternate game if you are the one-eyed player: hold the loose eye in your hand, lift it to your face, and then pretend to yawn so hard that your eye pops back in.

Sorcery!
This game is only playable if you’re a certified sorcerer. If you are, use the eye as an ingredient in your cauldron, and have fun hexing those who have wronged you! If you are not, then you really should get certified—I know that membership is expensive, but the benefits are well worth it. And make sure to mention my name so that I get a referral bonus.

Eye-Spy: Extreme Edition!
This game is only playable if the one-eyed player can still remotely see through his loose eye, and can also use deep concentration to make it roll around. Initial set-up involves finding a wealthy businessman and distracting him while someone slips the loose eye in his pocket (suggestion for a possible distraction: have the one-eyed person scream at him to call 911 due to his missing eye). After the eye has been placed in the pocket, play one of these other games while you wait for the businessman to arrive home. Once he does, the one-eyed player should mentally maneuver his loose eye to a good vantage point, and use his remote-viewing to spy on the businessman. Eventually, the businessman will be seen doing something unsavory. Whichever player blackmails him for the most money, wins!

Foresight!
This game is only playable if peering through the back of the loose eye causes it to function as a sort of otherworldly looking glass which reveals the future of the area within its view. If it does this, travel the world and use the eye to solve crimes before they happen, becoming an international hero in the process. After several years of doing this, become bored with the fact that your future holds no surprises, and, against your better judgment, stare through the eye while looking in a mirror. Upon seeing your own corpse in the reflection, become obsessed with preventing your own death.

Alienate your friends and family as you begin looking through the eye at all times. Crossing the street one day, you are so distracted by what the eye sees in the future that you don’t notice the bus speeding towards you in the present. As you are run over, the last thing that you see before losing consciousness is the loose eye slowly rolling into the distance.

After you recover from your injuries, sue the bus company and use the settlement money to buy a speedboat. You win!

Boggle!
With or without eyes, this is just a fun game in general.

Senior Project: Got To Admit, It's Getting Beta

2011-04-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't mentioned my senior project in a while, but here's a quick update. If you don't remember, I'm designing "intelligent cameras": Basically, you'll have a 3D virtual environment where different events are occurring. These cameras will automatically respond to the events and film them in a cinematic style (with well-chosen shots, cuts, etc). Eventually you should be able to export the created videos, so the cameras will essentially be making "virtual documentaries" of the 3D world.

Here's a video of my progress so far: the cameras are filming a ball rolling down a hill (showcasing cutting), a ball in a pachinko machine (showcasing tracking in a complex environment), and a dialogue scene (showcasing different responses to different types of events). There is no sound, so find a friend: the two of you can improvise the dialogue yourself.

If you want to see more (or stay up to date), you can follow my senior design blog. Don't know anything (or care) about programming? No problem! The blog features lots of videos, jokes, and a few drawings of people being frightened by skeletons.

"Socknapped": Now an Award-Winning Film!

2011-03-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

"Socknapped," my short film about a sock being kidnapped and held for ransom, won the Audience Favorite award at the 2011 Penn College Houses Film Festival! It was awesome to watch it on the big screen of a real movie theater, and to see people laugh at my favorite parts of the movie (Also, I got to find out which parts I thought were hilarious but nobody else did).

If you've never seen "Socknapped," you can watch it here:

There's also a remixed version called "Quantum of Sockless," which was pretty much made by accident: while I was watching an early cut of the movie with no soundtrack, "You Know My Name" (the theme of Casino Royale) happened to come up on shuffle on my iTunes, and synced up ridiculously well with the movie. Since the first few scenes matched up perfectly with barely any extra editing necessary, I decided to recut the rest of the movie to match as well. So enjoy:

Finally, as with all of my movies, I made storyboards before filming it. If you want to see the rest of the storyboards for the chase sequence, you can check them out here. Otherwise, here are some of them:

Thanks a lot to everyone who showed up and helped "Socknapped" win the Audience award! I literally could not have done it without you.

Glass Half Empty: "Frosty"

2011-03-17T16:09:00.000-07:00

This cartoon was made way back in January, but I was holding onto it because there was the possibility of something special happening with it. That deal eventually fell through, but you can still enjoy it now! Just imagine that it's still Winter.

The Hunter Becomes...

2011-03-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

Here's a new animated movie that I made in bits and pieces over the past year! It was drawn in TVPaint, put together in AfterEffects, and then edited with sound in Final Cut Pro.

The full, overly long title is: "The Hunter becomes the Hunted, then a Tree, then the Hunter again, and then a Pelican." It is the story of a game that starts out dangerous, then becomes the most dangerous, then becomes about trees, then becomes somewhere between dangerous and most dangerous, and then is only dangerous if you are afraid of pelicans.

Too tired to watch a movie? Here's the original story:

By now, you’ve probably figured out that I had an ulterior motive for bringing you to my private island, so I might as well just say it: yes, I am planning on hunting you for sport. I hope you packed running shoes.

I suppose it was inevitable. When you’re a reclusive multi-billionaire, there are only so many things you can do with your vast amounts of spare time. I've tried all sorts of dangerous games, but none of them have been dangerous enough for me. Still, all of my reclusive multi-billionaire friends are constantly raving about how exciting manhunting can be, so let's give it a try. I’m sure we will both have a—

Why did you run off without letting me finish? You didn't even wait to hear all the rules. I was going to give you some primitive weapons and granola bars to make this more of a fair fight, but I guess you're just more eager to play than I was expecting. It seems the game has begun!

These broken twigs seems to indicate that you're heading towards the dock. I suppose you think that you can just highjack one of my many luxury yachts and head home, but that would be cheating. If you had stayed and gone over the rulebook with me, you would know that.

Hold on… the trail of footsteps stops here. Perhaps I underestimated you. Besides, what is that dark mass floating in my koi pond? Is that one of my personal security guards/butlers? Did you you overpower him and steal his rifle? And that other person standing over there, shooting at me while crying about wanting to go home—is that you?

I was not expecting this. Our game was supposed to involve more traditional weapons like improvised slingshots and sticks with pointy ends. But it appears that the tables have turned. This is especially heartbreaking because I spent so much time arranging and decorating those expensive tables.

Now I'm the one being chased through the jungle. I have the advantage of knowing the terrain pretty well (it is my jungle), but you do have a gun. Some sneakiness is required on my part. Maybe if I hold up these leaves and make tree noises, you won't notice me. Then I can trip you as you run past.

Ha ha! The disguise worked, and now the tables have turned once again, back to how I originally set them. Don't blame yourself: my impressions of tree noises are very convincing.

Well then. It appears that our dangerous game has reached its conclusion. You were a worthy opponent. Unfortunately, there are no silver medals in the sport of manhunting.

I'm pointing the barrel of the rifle at you now.

My finger is on the trigger.

The time has come. Good game!

...Wait, where did all these feathers come from?

"One-Armed Bandit" Storyboards

2011-02-18T16:07:00.000-08:00

UPenn's SIGGRAPH chapter is currently working on a short animation based on a story I wrote: it's about a poor slot machine named Bandit, and his desperate attempt to win big. I drew up a bunch of storyboards for it, so check them out below!

Glass Half Empty: "V-Day"

2011-02-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day! One of my favorite comics that I've ever made was one for Valentine's Day five years ago. The drawing is kind of crummy, and the dialogue is a bit wordy, so I made a remake.

Robots!

2011-02-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

Last month, I designed a few logos for the Robotics Leadership Academy, part of the GRASP (General Robotics, Automation, Sensing and Perception) Lab at UPenn. More info can be found on the RLA@GRASP website, but here are two of the logos I made!

McSweeney's: I Dance Like I Have Two Left Feet

2011-02-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

Today I got an essay published on McSweeney's, the literary and humor website! It's called "I Dance Like I Have Two Left Feet," and can be read here. It is based on a tragic true story.

If you're coming here after reading that, and you're curious about other humor essays I've written, you can find other humor essays that I've written here.

Don't have time to visit McSweeney's? Well then enjoy:

You think that you dance like you have two left feet? Consider yourself lucky. I dance like I have two left feet, except one of those left feet is backwards, and the other left foot is upside down. Both of my hands are like left feet too. If I had any other limbs, they would probably also have left feet at the ends of them.

Basically, I'm not very good at dancing.

I used to hope that all these feet would make me into a great soccer player, but I was wrong. You see, I kick like my legs are arms. This makes it difficult to play without getting assorted yellow cards and penalties. I can't even slide tackle without being accused of elbowing other players. Plus, if I get a case of athlete's foot, it can spread and quickly become a life-threatening condition.

As you can imagine, I stumble a lot when I'm on the go. In fact, I walk like I'm wearing two right shoes on my two left feet. I've got to stay vigilant for obstacles that might trip me up. That's usually not a problem, because I see like I have one lazy eye and one overly-ambitious eye—even if my lazy eye misses something, my other eye is a really energetic go-getter who's eager to please me. So that normally balances things out.

But if you spot a car about to run me over, don't bother yelling to get my attention. I hear like I have no ears.

However, I smell like I have two ears. I don't mean that my scent is similar to that of a person with two ears, I mean that I have the ability to detect odors as well as someone who... well, you know what I mean. If you have two ears, then I can smell things as well as you can.

I hope I don't sound like a whiner. I do have some talents. Like thumb wrestling. Even though my right hand is like my left foot, all of the finger-toes on that hand-foot are like thumbs. While most people play like they only have two thumbs, I play like I have ten. It's almost unfair. To put it bluntly, I thumb-wrestle like I play Scrabble.

Wait, did I not explain how good I am at Scrabble? I probably should have mentioned it earlier so that this analogy would make sense. Perhaps a comparison will help you understand: I play Scrabble like I thumb wrestle.

These activities are great for me because they're not very strenuous or physical. Anything that involves running is a challenge—I breathe like I have two left lungs. And, as we all know, the left lung is the far inferior of the two.

Even though I can't hold my breath underwater, I can still swim pretty well, since my back is like a regular back but with a dorsal fin. I just can't stay out at sea for very long, in case I have to go to the bathroom, which I do constantly because I pee like my left kidney is my right kidney. And vice versa.

I hope by now you have a clear understanding of my condition. It's kind of difficult to put into words, and I put things into words like I put the beautiful game of soccer into interpretive dance performances.

Which is to say, not very well.

Movies With Alternate Middles

2011-02-01T19:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone's heard of movies with alternate endings. But you may not know that the following films originally had alternate middles.

The Wizard of Oz

Dorothy Gale lives in Kansas with her aunt, uncle, three farmhands, and dog. One day, a tornado strikes, and she is knocked unconscious. When she wakes up and exits the sepia toned house, she does not emerge in the technicolor land of Oz, as into the theatrical cut of the film—instead, Dorothy emerges in an even more sepia toned version of Kansas. Here, she learns that the tornado has completely annihilated the farm; in fact, it is one of thousands of “super tornadoes” which have become sentient due to radiation from space, and are now wreaking havoc across the planet.

For months, Dorothy and Toto are forced to live in a wasteland and scavenge for food while hiding from hostile tornadoes. They also come across the three farmhands, who are now deformed and can only speak in song, due to prolonged exposure to the space radiation. Eventually, Dorothy cannot survive any longer and passes out... only to wake up in her bed back home! It turns out that she was only dreaming, and she promises her family that she will never leave home again (because she now has crippling agoraphobia, and is terrified that if she walks outside then a self-aware tornado will hunt her down and kill her).

Die Hard

Detective John McClane goes with his estranged wife to a company Christmas party. All of the coworkers attempt to mingle, but the presence of Nakatomi executives makes things a little uncomfortable. McClane and his wife bond while they quietly joke about the salesman who has had a little too much to drink. After several hours of heart-to-heart discussions, they realize that they really do love each other and agree to work on repairing their relationship. A wacky limo driver makes jokes while he takes them home.

Planet of the Apes

Taylor, an astronaut, crash-lands on an unknown planet inhabited by sophisticated apes. Eventually he convinces Dr. Zaius, an orangutan scientist, that he can speak intelligently, and becomes a global celebrity due to his talents. That’s not to say that the apes mock him or view him as a novelty; No, they genuinely admire Taylor’s intellect. Apes across the planet pay to hear him tell tales about Earth and listen to his opinions on nuclear warfare.

At the end of the film, he discovers that the apes are in the process of building a replica Statue of Liberty. He wasn’t supposed to see it until it was completed (only the top half is done), but it was to be a gift to him, a reminder of his old home. Taylor is so overcome with gratitude that he falls to his knees and breaks down into tears of joy.

Titanic

A group of treasure hunters are searching for the Heart of the Ocean, a necklace believed to have been lost on the RMS Titanic. Their search leads them to Rose DeWitt Bukater, an old woman who was on the boat that fateful night. After this prologue, the film shifts perspective to that of our hero, the iceberg.

We learn that this poor iceberg has had a difficult life: He and his wife (a nearby glacier) seem to be drifting apart. His relationship with his son has become cold and distant. After a number of slip-ups, he is even fired from his job.

Distraught, he takes up meditation, and soon becomes inspired to change his life. However, he has his eyes closed while practicing yoga one day, and doesn’t notice the giant boat bearing down on him until it’s too late. The Titanic crashes into him, causing him to sink into the ocean, and he never has a chance to tell his wife that he loves her. Years later, elderly Rose ironically throws the Heart of the Ocean back into the water, as a sort of final “screw you!” to the iceberg.

The 10 Commandments

During plagues 2 through 9, Moses wears a sombrero.

Intelligent Camera Control

2011-01-27T20:23:00.000-08:00

For my senior design project, I'm creating "Intelligent Cameras."

Here's the pitch: a user navigates around a virtual 3D world and makes different events happen. There are cameras which float around and intelligently react to the events by choosing various shots, cutting between angles, and so on. Essentially, they film a "virtual documentary" in real time.

I'm keeping a blog where I'll post updates! Even though this project will involve programming, it also involves a lot of cinematography and discussion of filmmaking—so I'm making sure that the blog posts will be interesting, even if you don't know a thing about scripting. It will also include pictures. Here's one:

Glass Half Empty: "It's Snowing Really Hard"

2011-01-26T20:06:00.000-08:00

New Year's Resolutions

2010-12-31T18:31:00.000-08:00

Here are my New Year's resolutions, in order of how difficult they will be to accomplish:

Easy

Do a sit-up.
Figure out how to correctly spell "embarass."
Stop constantly showing off my fantastic dance moves and making everyone else's dance moves look bad by comparison.

Medium

Figure out how to correctly pronounce "route."
FIX BROKEN CAPS LOCK BUTTON ON KEYBOARD.
2 sit-ups.

Hard

Find more opportunities to say "route" aloud in sentences (only after pronunciation resolution has been accomplished).
Live every day like it's my second-to-last, because I feel like I'd spend my last day being kind of sad and reminiscing about things and having deep existential thoughts, instead of having fun like I would on my second-to-last day. This also means that I get to continue showing off my fantastic dance moves, because it's my second-to-last day, and I don't care who I make look bad by comparison. Unless it's someone who's living their last day (or living the day like it's their last), in which case I'm sorry and they probably deserve to look better than me, since I can just wait until tomorrow.
2 sit-ups (in a row).

Totally-Subjective-Movie-Awards, 2010

2010-12-24T15:01:00.000-08:00

Best movie: “Exit Through the Gift Shop”
#2 movie: “The Social Network”
#3 movie: “The Illusionist”
#4 movie: “Inception”
#5 movie: “The Secret in their Eyes”
Honorable mention: "The King's Speech"
Honorable mention: “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World”
Honorable mention: “Winnebago Man”

Great, but I feel like I’ve seen it before: “Toy Story 3”
Great, but I feel like I’ve seen it before: “Let Me In”
Great, but I feel like I need to see it again: "True Grit"

More funny than my low expectations: “MacGruber”
Less funny than my low expectations: “Get Him to the Greek”
Better than my expectations, still overrated: “How to Train Your Dragon”
Worse than my expectations, still overrated: “Iron Man 2”

Pretty sure I saw it, but I barely remember: “Robin Hood”
Pretty sure I saw it, but I barely remember: “Alice in Wonderland”

Very very very overrated: “The Town”
Very very overrated: “Shutter Island”
Very overrated: “Cyrus”
Slightly underrated: “The Other Guys”

#1 movie I wish I saw: “Best Worst Movie”
#2 movie I wish I saw: “Winter’s Bone”
#3 movie I wish I saw: “127 Hours”
#4 movie I wish I saw: “Animal Kingdom”
#5 movie I wish I saw: “Catfish”
Honorable mention: “Going the Distance” (just scenes with Charlie Day)

Best movie theater-going experience: “The Room” (Midnight showing)
Best movie from another year that I saw in theaters: “Metropolis” (Complete cut)
Best movie from another year that I saw on DVD: “There Will Be Blood”
Worst anything from anytime and any place ever: “Battle in Heaven"

Sorry, I still don't love: “Children of Men”
Sorry, I still don't love: “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
Saw it for the first time and I have no idea why anybody likes: “Heat”

TV that I watched which was better than any movie I saw: “The Wire”
TV that I watched which was better than any movie I saw: “Breaking Bad”
TV show that now seems a lot worse in comparison to those: “Dexter”

Why: “Yogi Bear”

Movie: "Playing Duke Ellington"

2010-12-20T20:29:00.000-08:00

Thank You For The Opportunity To Interview With Your Company

2010-12-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

Thank you for the opportunity to interview with your company.

I am sure you have read my resume and have realized how qualified I am for this position. In fact, I am simultaneously overqualified and under-qualified, allowing my qualifications to surround you. So watch your back, because I could qualify you from any direction.

I know you appreciated the many fonts that I used. You may think that my resume is handwritten on a dirty scrap of paper, but that is just because I used premium fonts, which I purchased from premium font websites. My resume deserves only the very best fonts, because I am the very best.

What can I bring to the table? Many things, including chairs, briefcases, and bagged lunches. If there is free food available, I may even bring friends who don’t work here.

I can take a lot from the table as well, especially office supplies.

Where do I see myself in five years? Hopefully riding a hover-board. I know that kind of technology is unlikely to exist in the near future, but I guess I’m just an optimist. Is optimism not a good trait for a job applicant to have?

In fact, I am so optimistic that I believe time travel will be possible in the near future as well. So when you ask where I see myself in ten years, please clarify which parallel timeline you are referring to.

My greatest weakness is probably a baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it, because those things look really painful, right?

A baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it is also my greatest strength,when I’m the one holding it.

I have vast experience in this field, as well as in other fields, particularly the cornfield on my grandfather’s farm. Admittedly, he was not my grandfather in the technical sense. But I did live undetected in that field for several years.

You could definitely say that I’m a team player. I really consider myself more of a mascot, though. I believe that makes me the most valuable player on the team. It also means that I should be allowed to wear a bear costume to work.

I work well under pressure. Air pressure, preferably, but I could survive under water pressure if necessary.

How did I leave my previous job? Out the window and down the fire escape. Don’t ask me anything else about that. I swear, I’ll do it again if I have to.

Have I ever had to fire someone? Are you insinuating that I may be some sort of pyromaniac? Didn’t I just warn you not to ask about my last job?

Why yes, I do have a few questions for you, if you don’t mind.

What is your company’s policy on overtime? Can I stay in the office all night if I have to? Is there any sort of restriction on having a sleeping bag inside my cubicle? What about having multiple sleeping bags, so that some of them can act as decoys?

Actually, for the decoy sleeping bags to work, I will need to buy several mannequins. May I count that as a business expense?

By the way, I noticed that you never asked if I would be willing to relocate. Is that an option? Because I would absolutely relocate. The farther away from here, the better. Does your company have branches in other countries?

No, those aren’t sirens that you hear out the window—that’s just my phone’s ring tone. Please ignore the policeman yelling on the loudspeaker, and let’s get back to discussing relocation. Don’t worry about my family, I can contact them later. And I don’t even need any bags. If you have a car ready, I will relocate right now. Seriously.

By the way, I am also proficient in Microsoft Excel.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Demo Reel

2010-12-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

Glass Half Empty: "Grey Matter"

2010-11-15T21:38:00.000-08:00

Ottawa Animation Festival

2010-11-03T13:41:00.000-07:00

Glass Half Empty: "Dead Man Walking"

2010-10-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

Your Goatee Makes You Look Like An Evil Submarine Captain

2010-10-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

Alright, man. You may not want to hear this. You may not want to believe it. But enough is enough: I think I speak for all of us when I say that your goatee makes you look like an evil submarine captain. There, now it’s out in the open. You know that it’s true. The first step is admitting it.

No, it’s not an unusually specific analogy. Just imagine an evil submarine captain. Not a fat one—a fat, evil submarine captain would have a scar and an eye-patch. I’m talking about a tall, lanky guy. Are you imagining him? Yeah? I bet he has a goatee. Your goatee. Because it’s you. You’re looking in a mirror. And it's actually not a mirror. It's a porthole.

Shocking, I know, but we’re all here for you, and we’re going to get through this together.

Why did you grow that thing in the first place? Thought it would make you look cool? Well you’re wrong. There’s nothing cool about submarines, except maybe for bathyspheres, but that’s all.

I liked the old you. Sure, you kind of looked like a kooky bus driver, but there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s just who you are. I bet that this whole evil submarine captain thing is just a phase, and soon you’ll get over it.

But I really can’t wait any longer. This phase has gone on long enough, and that’s why I’ve gathered all of your friends and family to talk with you today. Just shave it off. Please. For the sake of our friendship. Seriously, remember when we ran into each other at the coffee shop yesterday? You said, “What’s up?” but honestly, all I heard was “I am armed with a dozen nuclear-tipped warheads, and I will fire on major cities around the globe unless my demands are met.” Also, I refused to give you a ride home because I was worried you might hijack my car and drive it off a pier.

I can’t even watch funny movies with you anymore, man. It’s your laugh. Maybe I’d be able to tolerate it if it just sounded evil. But it’s worse than that: there’s a sort of echo to it that I never noticed before, and I always feel like I can hear heavy machinery and salvage equipment whirring in the background. You may be sitting in the chair right next to me, but you sound like you’re sunk hundreds of feet beneath the waves, just like that damn goatee is sinking our friendship.

You think we can just talk on the phone? Wrong. I know that goatee is there. I can hear it in your voice. And suddenly our small talk about the football game on TV turns into a coded negotiation for the safe release of the sailors being held hostage in your living room. Come on, let those men go. Some of them have wives and kids. How many families must your goatee destroy before you get rid of it?

The old you would never do something like that. But then, I guess you’ve changed. You think I don’t know that you hang out at the docks every night? I’ve been following you, dude. But I don’t even have to do that to realize what you’ve become. I know that you’ve been taking baths instead of showers. I hear you whistling sea shanties while walking down the street. You’ve even stopped eating “hoagies,” and started eating “subs.” It freaks me out.

I think I’ve made my points clear. I’m sorry if this seems like a lot to handle, but we needed to do this before you got worse—if we waited any longer, you might have grown out your sideburns too, and well... then we’re into maniacal-zeppelin-pilot territory. There’s no turning back from that.

But at this stage, there’s still hope of recovery. In fact, I signed you up for a special support program. Don’t be afraid: they’re not going to ask you to shave the entire goatee off at once. You can start by getting rid of the beard part, and then the mustache will just make you look like a regular old submarine captain. But you can’t stop there. You need to have willpower. When it comes to removing a goatee, if you fall off the wagon, there’s no hope of getting back on.

Because in this case, the wagon is actually a submarine, and if you fall off then you’re going to be eaten by a shark.

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 4: "Hook With A Vengeance"

2010-09-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

This is a collection of posts from an experimental Twitter account, "InCaseOfHooks," which tell a long story over the course of hundreds of tweets. Stay up to date by following it at twitter.com/InCaseOfHooks, or read the previous entry here.

In case of sequel, prepare to get a little darker and grittier.
If more edginess is needed, replace white t-shirt costume with a black t-shirt costume.
If black t-shirt is still not enough, grow a goatee.
In case of complacency, expect a series of murders by a man with rocket-hook-hands.
In case of fatal rocket-hookings, beware becoming the prime suspect.
If blamed by the media, meet with spunky photographer girl and ask for help in proving your innocence.
If suggested by spunky photographer girl, realize that constantly threatening to rocket-hook people may not be helping your image.
In case of elderly aunt being rocket-hooked at home, realize that only one person could have done this, but pause for dramatic effect.
If dramatic pause is over, reveal that your old rocket-hook-handed ex-friend must have survived that explosive high-five.
If rocket-hook-handed ex-friend survived, he must be back for revenge in a stunning plot twist.
In case of plot twist, return to the burned out building where all this started.
In case of dramatic arrival by ex-friend, prepare to listen to a long speech about how he was left for dead.
In case of long speech, nod politely.
If nodding only enrages him, begin playing epic showdown music.
In case of epic showdown music, begin epic showdown.
In case of epic showdown, prepare to be get beat up at first, and possibly end up on the verge of death.
If on the verge of death, have flashback to inspirational speech given by now rocket-hooked aunt.
In case of inspiration, overpower ex-friend and almost kill him.
In case of almost killing ex-friend, expect spunky photographer girl to appear and remind you that you're no longer a killer.
In case of compassion, apologize to your ex-friend.
In case of apology, ex-friend may become ashamed of all the rocket-hooking he's done.
If ex-friend is now ashamed at what he's done, prepare for him to clap his own rocket-hook-hands together, destroying himself.
In case of ex-friend-explosion due to rocket-hook-hand-clap, cover head.
If spunky photographer girl is injured, bring her to hospital (a real hospital, not a back-alley one).
In case of blame, allow spunky photographer girl to produce photos she took of your ex-friend admitting to his crimes.
In case of photos, be exonerated and once again hailed a hero.
In case of exoneration, celebrate with a nap, as usual.

Click here to read the next entry.

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 3: "Hook Harder"

2010-09-13T18:03:00.000-07:00

In case of hunger and inability to manipulate microwave due to rocket-hook-hands, ask elderly aunt to cook food.
If convenience would be nice, hire an inventor to produce gadgets, starting with a phone that can be operated with hook-hands.
If inventor is okay with it, pay him to work as a butler too.
In case of call from mayor on newly-installed emergency hotline, put on t-shirt costume and prepare for heroics.
If no time to eat, ask aunt to place food in lunchbox so that it may be eaten later.
If crisis involves the return of that mad scientist who you met that one time a while ago, ominously refer to him as your arch-nemesis.
In case of plot by mad scientist to rob bank, go to bank and use hooks to hang from ceiling.
In case of mad scientist's arrival, drop from above and save day (use rocket-hooks if necessary).
If day is saved, offer pithy one liner such as variation on "I guess I got the drop on him," and attempt to work in a hook-related pun.
If things seem to go too easily, something must be wrong.
In case of something probably wrong, demand that mad scientist reveal what his real scheme is.
In case of mad scientist laughing maniacally, threaten a rocket-hooking unless he shuts up.
In case of big reveal that this bank job was a diversion and the real action is at City Hall, get to City Hall.
If there is time, stop to eat lunch along the way.
In case of City Hall being slowly frozen by a giant version of mad scientist's freeze ray, evacuate building and start giant fire to melt ice.
In case of giant fire getting out of control, use hook-hand-operable phone to call fire department.
In case of success, personally escort mad scientist to prison and offer another pithy one liner.
If everything seems okay, take another well-deserved nap.

Click here to read the next entry.

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 2: "The Hook Identity"

2010-09-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

In case of big "nooooo," beware of mad scientist escaping.
If mad scientist escapes, begin playing exciting chase-scene music.
In case of exciting chase-scene music, chase.
If chase leads to city streets, highjack motorcycle.
If opportunity to perform cool motorcycle stunt arises, perform cool motorcycle stunt.
If motorcycle stunt goes wrong, slowly walk away with back turned to motorcycle while it explodes behind you.
In case of motorcycle explosion, a fire may be started, so use rocket-hook to blast open a fire hydrant and douse anyone engulfed in flames.
If burning civilians are safely extinguished, be considered a hero.
In case of new-found fame, be photographed by spunky girl who has just gotten job at local paper and is eager to prove herself.
In case of photograph, strike a heroic pose.
If asked for name by small child, come up with something cool-sounding but with some sort of rocket-hook-hands-related pun.
In case of new designation as rocket-hook-handed hero, consider costume options.
If costume options seem too expensive, recall that you gave all of your money to that homeless man.
If homeless man refuses to return money, threaten to rocket-hook him.
If homeless man continues to refuse, even under threat of rocket-hooking, consider cheap costume such as white t-shirt with name written on it.
In case of interview by reporter, conceal secret identity to protect your elderly aunt who lives at home.
If tricked by clever reporter and secret identity is revealed, rocket-hook reporter to prevent story from getting out.
In case of sleepiness due to long day of rocket-hooking, return home and take nap.

Click here to read the next entry.

Hooks-For-Hands Man, Part 1: "First Hooks"

2010-08-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

In case of fire, break glass.
In case of glass, cover head.
If no hands to shield head with, seek immediate medical attention for lack of hands.
In case of locked door obstructing route to hospital, locate hooks.
If hooks found, use hooks as temporary hand replacements, and use hook-hands to open door.
In case of high-five to celebrate success opening door, ask friend to consider danger of performing high-five with someone who has hook-hands.
In case of friend not considering danger of high-five, causing hook-hand to slice off friend's hand, take turns sharing hook.
If pain becomes unbearable, locate phone and call 911.
In case hook-hands are too unwieldy to dial tiny buttons on phone, look for nearby hospitals.
In case of no convenient hospitals, search back alleys for "alternative" medical expert.
In case of back alley being home to an angry homeless man, use hook-hands to frighten him.
If hook-hand plan backfires and causes homeless man to become enraged, use hook-hands to scale wall and climb away.
If homeless man has his own hook-hands and follows, there is no escape.
In case of no escape, admit defeat and give homeless man all of your available money.
In case of no money for real medical care, ask around for cheapest doctor in area.
In case of cheapest doctor being some sort of mad scientist, run.
If shot by mad scientist's freeze ray, attempt to make your way back to burning building so that fire will melt the ice.
In case of melting too much, allow scientist to reanimate melted remains as some sort of monster.
In case of reanimation as some sort of monster, use opportunity to upgrade hook-hands to rocket-hook-hands.
In case of new hooks for hands, incapacitate mad scientist and make a run for it.
In case of lab-escape, beware of former friend who has also been reanimated as a rival monster.
In case of appearance by reanimated friend, begin playing exciting fight-scene music.
In case of exciting fight-scene music, begin fight-scene.
In case of fight-scene, dodge ex-friend's rocket-hooks and attack with your own rocket-hooks.
In case of victory, have flashbacks to fond memories of times spent with ex-friend.
In case of flashbacks, consider meaninglessness of violence and form truce with friend.
In case of truce, perform high-five.
In case of friend again not considering danger of high-five and causing rocket-hook to blow up friend, fall to knees.
If on knees, look to sky and shout "nooooo."

Click here to read the next entry.

Think Win/Win

2010-08-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

During the summer of 2010, I interned at Thomson Reuters. While there, I took part in a project which involved presenting "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," and my group focused on habit 4: "Think Win/Win." This habit is about working/negotiating with other people, and looking for ways to benefit everyone. To present this, I drew these cartoons, which depict all of the ways that two people can work on a cake-related project.

Man's Best Friend

2010-08-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

They say that a dog is a man's best friend, but they're wrong: I'm a man, and my best friend is Steve.

Steve is a better friend than a dog could ever be. If I want to hang out, I can call Steve any time, day or night, and he'll be right over, as long as it's not night. I've never even seen a dog pick up a phone, unless it was a phone specially designed for dogs, with a keypad that could be operated with paws instead of fingers. But that special dog-phone? I bet Steve could still use it, maybe even better than a dog could.

You tell your dog to "speak," and he just barks. Yet when Steve speaks, he makes all kinds of noises. Your dog doesn't even speak English; Steve not only knows English, he also remembers a little Spanish from high school. Did your dog go to high school? If he did, I'm very impressed, but I'm also kind of intimidated, so I don't think he and I could ever be friends.

Your dog can catch a frisbee in his teeth? What kind of friend would do that? Now your frisbee is all gross. Steve can catch frisbees both in and out of his teeth. Let's see a dog do that.

And don't tell me about those "Air Bud" movies, because they use special effects. Give Steve a green-screen and he can be a champion athlete too. Air Bud probably even has a stunt-dog to do all the more dangerous tricks. Do you think Steve is afraid to do his own stunts? No way. The only thing that he's afraid of are magicians, due to a bad experience he had as a child.

True, you make a few valid points: Dogs are nice and furry. Steve is hairy too, but in more of a "needs to take a shower" way than a "cuddly" way. Dogs are content with sleeping in the backyard, while Steve still complains about the time that I abandoned him in the woods. And Steve is only loyal to me when he's in a good mood and not currently being loyal to our other friend, Tom.

You say that your dog is your best friend because when you get home from work, there he is by the door, waiting for you. Well, when I get home from work, there's Steve by my television, waiting for me to bring him some pretzels. I guess dogs win that round too.

But dogs aren't allowed in most restaurants, while Steve is only banned from that fancy Italian place across the street.

Plus, do you know any dogs who can name all 50 states, or play the violin, or help you move furniture around? No? Steve can do one out of three, which is better than nothing.

You see, a dog is not your friend. Friendship is supposed to be a two-way deal, but dogs benefit without doing any work: they get free food, a free place to sleep, and sometimes a free dog-phone with special keypad. They do nothing to deserve this. So I wonder who said that a dog is a man's best friend?

Gee, I don't know... maybe it was a dog?!

(Or maybe it was Steve. That guy really knows how to get me riled up.)

Nobody Said It Would Be Easy

2010-08-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

Listen up, because I don't want to hear any complaining after we begin: nobody said it would be easy.

Where did you hear that it would be easy? I didn't hear that, and my hearing is pretty good. So now hear this: Nobody said that.

If somebody did say that it would be easy, they were lying. Sorry to get your hopes up. Please keep your hopes in plain sight and lower them, slowly.

Sure, nobody said it would be hard. And nobody said it would be medium either. But nobody said it would be easy.

To be fair, I did say that it would be simple. And one guy said that it would be like taking candy from a baby. Someone else said that it would be a piece of cake. Maybe you heard one of us and misunderstood.

That man who compared it to a piece of cake: Did he specify what kind of cake? No. It could be a pound cake, or perhaps a carrot cake. We have no way of knowing.

But here's something we do know: It's unknown whether it will be easy.

And that other man who compared it to taking candy from a baby: Did you think that meant it would be easy? Well what you didn't realize is that this is actually a genetically-modified super baby, and it is very hungry for candy. You think it's going to be easy to take that candy? This baby will put up quite a fight.

Why did you assume that it would be a normal baby in the first place? Nobody said it would be a normal baby.

I also hope you understood that this whole baby thing was just an analogy. We will not actually be stealing snacks from infants (nobody said it would be a perfect simile). Though if we were, you can rest assured that nobody would claim that it would be easy to do so.

That part was hypothetical as well: Nobody said you could rest.

I bet you thought that it would be fast too, but it could take a while. Why, do you have something better to do? Somewhere else to be? You better clear your schedule for the next few weeks. You may have to work weekends too. Don't worry though, nobody said they expect you to come in before 10:30.

Did you think that it would make you happy? You're going to be sadly disappointed, because it will actually make you sad and disappointed. And if you thought that we'd all come out clean, then you've been grossly misinformed, because it will be pretty gross.

Look, I know that nobody said it would be easy to understand. But do you actually know anything about what's about to go on? You seem to have heard a lot of things that nobody said. Please, just try to pay attention, because nobody is going to repeat anything. Especially the things that they didn't say, like how easy this may be.

Okay. Ready? Let's get started.

By the way, if it does turn out to be easy, nobody heard any of this from me.

The History of Communication

2010-07-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

For Thomson Reuters, the news/financial company, I created these illustrations for a presentation about the power of video during the summer of 2010. It traces the history of communication from cavemen to computers, with all the head-clubbing, alien-invading, and Facebooking that occurred along the way.

Message In A Bottle

2010-07-23T17:55:00.000-07:00

I’m sorry to disturb your nice day at the beach, but wait! Don’t toss this back into the ocean! I know what you’re thinking: “A message in a bottle? How clichéd." Just give me a moment of your time, and then you can get right back to boogie-boarding.

Admittedly, my story is not unique. I’m the survivor of a plane crash on a desert island, just like the authors of many other messages in bottles you’ve likely read today. And fine, many of those other messages in bottles were probably wittier, or more poetic, or more inspiring than mine. But I’m tired, and I'm hungry, and my legs are still trapped under some shrapnel, so this is the best I could do.

My penmanship? Fine, I don’t have the best handwriting. But it’s hard to write on a piece of scrap paper that’s caked in blood. Plus, this pen doesn’t really work that well: it’s one of those ones with the button on top that you press to make the tip pop out, instead of a nicer pen with a cap. Unfortunately, it was the only one I could find in the charred suitcase that crash landed in the sand next to me. All the other luggage fell a few feet away and I can’t reach them because of the chunk of metal that I’m buried under, and also because I’m not very flexible. I took an aerobics class last year, but I didn’t like the instructor, so I quit after one lesson. I promise that after I get rescued, I’ll start working out more. It’s just so hard to find the time.

I’m going to get so sunburned laying out here. Or should that be “lying” out here? Please ask the search party to look that up before they look for me.

I wish there were other survivors so I’d have people to talk to. Preferably survivors from other sections of the plane, not anyone who was sitting near me. I was in a window seat next to a rude old man who kept snoring while he napped. When I tried to squeeze past him to use the bathroom, he woke up and seemed really annoyed, so I ended up holding it in for the entire flight, and now I really have to go. Don't get me started on the baby in the seat behind us.

Also, why couldn’t the plane crash 20 minutes later? I was watching the in-flight movie, and now I may never know how it ends.

Maybe it’s for the best: I didn’t really enjoy the movie anyway, because I had to listen to it on those crummy airplane headphones that they give out. Anyway, I couldn’t focus because I had to worry about maintaining my armrest position. I know that I said the rude old man was asleep next to me, but every time I stopped paying attention and then looked back, he was taking up more space on the armrest between us. When we hit turbulence, I had nothing to hold on to. He took the entire armrest for himself.

I should have bought one of those pillows that they sell on the plane. Then I could at least be comfortable while stuck under this wreckage. Once the plane started going down, I asked the flight attendant if it was too late to buy one, but she just ignored me.

I’m sorry if this is starting to ramble... I probably shouldn’t have chugged all the liquor in this bottle in order to make room for my message. But anyway, I should tell you where I am so that you can send help. This scrap paper is very small, and I’m running out of room to

Why I Want To Write A Book

2010-07-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

Here is why I want to write a book:

So it can have a really awful cover, and people won't want to read it. But then they will read it, and see how good it actually was, and say "Wow, I guess I should never judge a book by its cover," and now I've taught them a valuable lesson.
So it can be made into a book-on-tape read by celebrities. Or read by me doing celebrity impressions.
So that this tape can then be made into a tape-on-book. That way, readers can read it in their own celebrity impressions.
So it will get rave reviews, all of which include pithy little blurbs which perfectly encapsulate what's so great about my book, but are also the perfect length for putting them on the back cover.
So I can take a tasteful black and white photo of myself sitting in a leather armchair on the porch of a seaside cabin, and put it above my Author's Bio on the last page.
So it can be made into an inferior movie, which people will watch and then say "The book was much better." But the movie ends up being an international blockbuster and I get really rich anyway.
So I can end it with the line, "And that's how Charles and Brenda finally realized that all they would ever need to be truly happy was a jet-ski."
So I can release it in hardcover, and then softcover, and then a kind of mediumcover that's flexible but still won't close while you're reading it.
So I can write a sequel.

BAHSTON

2010-06-30T17:52:00.000-07:00

Photos from a family trip to Boston, along with jokes, comments, and trivia. Click on the photos, or press left and right on your keyboard to navigate.

Get the flash player here: http://www.adobe.com/flashplayer

Fickle Theatre: "A Mug's Life"

2010-06-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

"Socknapped" Storyboards

2010-05-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

I always storyboard out my films before I make them, regardless of whether they're animated or live-action. Here are the storyboards I did for the big action scene in "Socknapped." Haven't seen the movie? You can watch it here!

Movie: "Quantum of Sockless"

2010-04-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

Movie: "Socknapped"

2010-04-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Fickle Theatre: "Edgy"

2010-04-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

Fickle Theatre: "Training"

2010-02-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

Easy Money

2010-02-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

Andy and Steven are two college-aged guys, playing billiards while making small talk.

Andy: "Man, I gotta get a job or something. I'm so low on cash right now."

Steven: "Why don't you just rob a bank?"

Andy: "Haha, right."

Steven: "No, seriously. I do it all the time."

Andy: "What? Rob banks?"

Steven: "Sure. Been doing it for years. I'm probably wanted in like a dozen states by now."

Andy: "I can't tell if you're joking or not."

Steven: "You should go rob the bank on 34th street. I just hit them up this morning, so they probably won't expect to be robbed twice in one day."

Andy: "This is crazy."

Steven: "...Yeah, you're right. They won't have that much money left, since I already cleared them out."

Andy: "The robbery that was all over the news last week... That was you?"

Steven: "I robbed at least three places last week. You need to be a bit more specific."

Andy: "I don't believe this. How can you rob banks?"

Steven: "With a ski-mask. You can borrow mine if you want."

Andy: "I'm not borrowing your ski mask."

Steven: "Then you'll at least need a getaway car. Do you have a car?"

Andy: "No."

Steven: "It's alright, there's a dealership a few blocks from here. You can just steal one of theirs."

Andy: "How do you expect me to steal a car?"

Steven: "With a gun."

Andy: "I don't have a gun."

Steven: "Steal one from a gun store."

Andy: "That's got to be the most dangerous possible place to steal something from."

Steven: "Good point. You should probably just buy the gun."

Andy: "I don't have the money!"

Steven: "So rob a ba–... hm... or blackmail somebody. That works too."

They stare at each other. Andy is seemingly in shock.

Andy: "...Um... Hm. Okay. I am going to leave and get a sandwich."

He begins walking towards the exit. Steven jumps up to follow him.

Steven: "Wait up while I grab my ski-mask."

Andy: "No! We are not robbing them!"

Steven: "Can I at least steal some chips?

Andy: "...Fine."

They exit.

Fickle Theatre: "First Edition"

2010-01-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

What Happens In VEGAS Stays In An Album

2010-01-01T17:49:00.000-08:00

Photos from a family trip to Las Vegas, along with jokes, comments, and trivia. Click on the photos, or press left and right on your keyboard to navigate.

Get the flash player here: http://www.adobe.com/flashplayer

Fickle Theatre: "The Sting"

2009-12-27T14:30:00.000-08:00

Fun Pranks To Try At Home!

2009-10-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

Are you a habitual practical joker? Love pulling fast ones on your friends? Tired of old-fashioned gags and parlor tricks? Then here are three fun pranks that you can try at home, along with special Super Pranks for Master Prankers only!

PRANK #1

First, become a Tony-award winning director on Broadway. Don't worry, this is the only difficult step.

Next, announce that you're producing a brand new play for one-night-only. Since you are a Tony-award-winning director, there will be lots of press, and people will line up to buy tickets well in advance. Give your show a totally impenetrable name to add to the mystique, and charge exorbitant prices for tickets. The show is to begin at precisely 8:00.

On the big night, sit back and watch all of the seats fill up. When the clocks strike 8:00, don't do anything. See how long the crowd continues sitting in their chairs before starting to get restless.

Once people begin milling around, lower the lights. See how long people quietly sit in the darkness.

Eventually, murmurs in the crowd will get louder, and everyone will begin talking. This is your cue to begin playing orchestral music over the loudspeakers. However, the music is actually a 10-second loop. See how long it takes the crowd to notice that they're sitting in a pitch-black auditorium while the same sample of music repeats endlessly.

Soon the audience will become annoyed, and leave the theater. However, while they were inside, you will have changed the marquee and banners to say that the show begins at 9:00, not 8:00! Everyone will laugh at their mistake, go get some coffee, and return in an hour for the actual play.

At 9:00, repeat prank.

Super Prank: While the audience is sitting in the dark, walk down the aisles and pickpocket everyone. Now, not only has the prank given all of the theater-goers a hilarious anecdote to tell for years to come, but you've also collected a massive number of credit cards.

PRANK #2

First, become a Tony-award winning director on Broadway. Don't worry, this is the only difficult step.

Next, announce that you're putting on a brand new play for one-night-only. Remember to charge exorbitant prices for tickets.

When the audience arrives on the big night, they enter the theater, but it's dark inside and the orchestra has already begun playing. All the theater-goers will be embarrassed that they have arrived late, and will quickly take the closest seats.

As the lights come on for the first act, the audience discovers that they're not in a theater at all: they're in a bowling alley! Charge exorbitant prices for bowling shoes, and see how long people bowl.

Meanwhile, take the fancy shoes that have been traded in and sell them.

Super Prank: Instead of becoming a Tony-award winning director, become a world-famous owner of bowling alleys. Announce that you're opening some brand new, state-of-the-art lanes. When the bowlers arrive for league night, they discover that they're not in a bowling alley at all: they're on the stage of a Broadway show!

PRANK #3

First, become a Tony-award winning director on Broadway. Don't worry, this is the only difficult step.

Next, announce that you're directing a new production of "Death of a Salesman." You know what to charge.

When the audience arrives and the show begins, they are shocked to discover that all of the parts will be played by trained bears!

The prank is that the bears were trained at subpar acting schools, and most of them only have credits in "Law & Order" spin-offs.

Super Prank: One of the bears is not trained.

TURKS and/or CAICOS

2009-08-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

Photos from my trip to Turks and Caicos, along with jokes, comments, and trivia. Click on the photos, or press left and right on your keyboard to navigate.

Get the flash player here: http://www.adobe.com/flashplayer

A Bitter Pill

2009-08-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

This was first published in First Call Magazine.

I'll never forget the good times that my wisdom teeth and I had together. But I can't deny the fact that we had some disagreements too. Like the time that they decided to start growing in sideways and impacted, and my dentist had to extract them. I don't think we ever discussed that. Still, I probably should have seen it coming: they had been freeloading in my mouth for years, never contributing to chewing or biting like the rest of my hardworking teeth. So good riddance.

The extraction itself wasn't so bad. But I woke up from the anesthesia to face a new horror, as the dentist offered me two different bottles of pills. I'd have to take a handful of each, every day for the next week. Which would be a huge challenge for me, because I'm terrible at swallowing things. I could almost hear my wisdom teeth laughing from beyond the grave. "Haha," the four of them would shout in unison, "You thought we were lazy because we never helped chew your food? Well those other teeth of yours can't help you now!"

I have a gag-reflex, but I think my bigger issue is that there are so many choices to make: Do you lean forward or back? Do you have to swallow in one gulp, or can you keep trying multiple times? How much water should you drink? Is it okay to break the pill into smaller pieces? Where do you place it on your tongue? How long should you stare at the pill while it sits on the kitchen counter, psyching you out? Should you actually swallow the pill, or go hide it with the rest of the pills in your secret pill-shrine under the medicine cabinet in the bathroom? Are there any side-effects if you take the wrong dose? Are there are any side-effects if one of your roommates discovers your secret pill-shrine? This is a medical issue, so decisions shouldn't be made lightly.

Some people can swallow multiple pills at once. They make it look so easy, just casually tossing a few into their mouth, taking a sip of water, and ULP down the hatch. But you know what? These multi-pill-poppers are probably just compensating for something else that they're not as good at swallowing. They're showing off, and I'm not impressed. Get a real talent, like juggling pills and swallowing them as they pass in front of your mouth, and maybe then I'll appreciate it. Especially if the pills are on fire, and you throw in some tiny, pill-sized chainsaws for variety. Also, you should be standing on top of a seesaw. Now you have earned my respect.

Maybe swallowing pills is easy for you. Yet to me, as I hold them in one hand, and a water-filled Dixie cup in the other, the pills become as big as whole cantaloupes. I get nervous, and start to sweat, freaking out before the pills have even gotten into my mouth. But come on, who can swallow a whole cantaloupe? And if you could, would you really even want to? They're so much tastier than pills—how are you supposed to resist the urge to chew? Obviously melons are good for you, so I guess if you're in a hurry to get to work on time and haven't had breakfast you could probably just pop in a whole cantaloupe and take it down in one gulp. But in that case, I think you're kind of a cheater anyway. It's like reading the last page of a novel and then telling people that you finished the book. But did you really finish the book? Did you even enjoy it? Did you lick the delicious and vitamin-C-filled liquid off of every page? Sure, you didn't get seeds all over your shirt. But I still think it's healthier to eat a book one page at a time. As long as you make sure that it's ripe.

Still, if you're a multi-tasker, you can even hollow out the cantaloupe and fill it with pills. You won't get all the nutritional benefits of the cantaloupe, but pills are pretty healthy. So I think it evens out.

The next step above cantaloupes are bowling balls, which I have trouble swallowing as well. These aren't sold over the counter at pharmacies because they're choking hazards for babies. But if you go to the right Alleys, you can buy one—trust me, I know a guy. Like pills, they come in lots of colors and sizes. The problem is that bowling balls are very heavy, so you'll probably want to take a bunch of diet pills afterwards. Also, don't go swimming 30 minutes after taking one, or you will sink. Drowning is a very serious illness, one that will take lots of pills to cure. Luckily, you'll be underwater, so it should be pretty easy to swallow them all.